Monday, April 28, 2008

Alright, who took my self-esteem?

I was clicking around the internets this morning, looking for inspiration, or at the very least, something to make me laugh, when I happened across a blog, I don't even remember which one it was, more's the pity, where the author wrote a letter to her body. In face, she said "everybody's doing it..."

Well, of course you know, in my never ending plot to be POPULAR, or even NOTICED, I have to do what everybody else is doing.

My middle name is "lemming," donchaknow.

Anyway, it seems that SOME PEOPLE are even doing a VLOG (I know, it confused me at first too. Thought I was in Transylvania, or something, with some really hot dude named VLAD, who had the whitest skin... and the sharpest teeth... rowr!!) of their letters to their bodies.

Well... I am not going to do that. Why? Because it wouldn't be PRUDENT at this juncture, you understand, to reveal my body to the world. And 'cause I lack that last little nugget of self-esteem which would allow me to do so.

But letter writing? Piece of frickin' cake. mmmm, cake.
_______________________________


Dear Body-Which-Just-So-Happens-To-Be-Attached-To-Me:

Holy frickin' Jeebus, I don't even know where to begin to tell you what I think of you. I think most people would start with the head, but I am NOT MOST PEOPLE, thank you very much. And so, I shall begin with my toes. Toes, I just want to tell you for the record, I think you really got screwed, being attached to my feet. You're not such bad little toes, as little toes go. Your nails leave much to be desired, they sit, right on the tips of you, and mock me, in their ugliness... And you are attached to feet which are much too wide, whose arches rival the ones at Mc'D's, and whose desire to never wear shoes have created callouses which can be likened to horse hooves.

Ankles, you disappeared long ago, you fucking cowards. Calves, what happened to you? There was a time when you were svelte and sexy... with just a touch of muscle definition. Now you are just two big long gobs of fatty goo... I hate you, you traitorous bitches.

Knees, enough with the popping and cracking already. You haven't seen a day's work in the whole of your lives, and I'm only 43, I'm not fucking 80. You make it impossible for me to steal Husband's cigarettes, in the dead of night. He can hear me coming from a mile away.

Thighs? Is that what you are calling yourselves these days? I'm sorry, I mistook you for tree stumps... Ditto, the hating you. You're not getting shaved until I can BRAID your hairs. Maybe that will hide your dimples on dimples of cellulite.

Girly bits? I have no complaints with you. Really. Just keep doing your job, and all will be fine. Ass, however, you have overstayed your welcome. Seriously. It's time to go. You don't do ONE fucking thing for me, except throw my hips out of joint, and jiggle at all the wrong times. Honestly, your cushioning leaves something to be desired also. Get the fuck outta here, you Whore of Babylon, in ten minutes I can replace you with a pillow with softness to the nth degree.

Hips, stomach and love handles: I cannot even bear to address you. You suck balls. And not even GOOD balls, such as might be found on Vlad the Vampire, no, you fuckers suck the balls of diseased cellar vermin. What did I ever do to deserve what you've done to me? I swear my affair with Little Debbie is OVER. She meant NOTHING to me. It was sex. Pure and simple. I didn't LOVE her. It was only for the mouthgasms she gave me. I am weak, I confess. But for you to punish me in this way for my weakness is just wrong. YOU ARE NOT RIGHT WITH GOD, hips and stomach. Love handles, I know it isn't your fault that you are here with me. But I will never EVER love you. So go away....

Back, shoulders, I admire you for TRYING to hold up boobs. It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it. And you know that a job worth doing is worth doing RIGHT, so let's try to hitch 'em up, just a BIT higher, won't you please? At some point you will be compensated for your integrity and stick-to-it-tiveness...

Boobs, you poor, poor dears. The world would LOVE you, if only you would STAND UP and let them see you!! You are large, soft, and your cleavage is pleasing... once I get you all stuffed in a DDD bra, that is... Please take notice that as I struggle to reduce the size of my big-ness, you will shrink a bit, but that is as it should be, darling boobs, because you, like me, are not supposed to be this big. C-cups you once were, and as God is my witness, C-cups you shall be again. And when I am done, Brother 1, who is richer than God, will pay to put you back where you once lived, high up on my chest in glorious boobie splendor...

Arms, you're fat, I hate you... blah, blah, blah. Your main job these past few years has been primarily to shovel food into my mouth. Well those good times are over, chickies... Find a new hobby, get a life, make something of yourselves!! There are no free rides in this world, girls, and you need to start pulling your own weight around here!!

Hands and fingers? I adore you. Don't ever change. Especially left hand, who has served my letterwriting needs all these many years. Kisses to both of you, for being so wonderfully cute and good to me, if you know what I mean (wink, wink).

Neck, lose the moles and a couple hundred of the chins, and you will be as lovely as you once were... Smooth and graceful, you were, and never a moment's trouble you gave me. At least until the crop of little moley things prevented the wearin'-of-the-bling...

Hair, though you may be a bit thinner than you used to be, you are ever so much more obedient and cherished than ever before. Truly, you are the one thing I love most about me physically. Please, dear tiny baby Jesus, don't any more of you jump ship. I am dangerously close to a bald spot already, from your cowardly departure...

Face... oh face, what can I say to you? You are nearly the first thing anyone sees, when they look at me, and when you form yourself into a smile, you are a force to be reckoned with. What a fabulous smile you have, thanks in no small part to the orthodontia bestowed upon you by my beloved parents, all those many years ago. A little dimple, which would surely show up more clearly were I not the CORPULENT WITCH I currently am, sets off your smile with such delight. Your nose, which used to be such a cute little button-thing, has been literally SMEARED across you by my hands, due in large meaure to the allergens which attack me on a daily basis. That one little FUCKING LEFT EYE has grown exponentially lazier by the MINUTE, but your eyes still shine with intelligence, humor, and that secret SOMETHING, that makes me, ME. You aren't beautiful, face, but you have served me well for 43 years. Kisses on both cheeks for you.

All in all, body, I will say that you have done a pretty good job by not dying, with all that I've put you through. But I have much more life to live, and many more smiles to give, before I'm done here. So let's get our shit together, and get busy. There is much work to be done....

Love,

Miss Anne

15 comments:

Avitable said...

Now you're supposed to post a naked picture of your body, didn't you know?

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Oh, fuck THAT noise... I must not have read that other blog far enough...

Avitable said...

Here's an example:
http://www.avitable.com/2008/02/27/a-letter-to-my-body/

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Oh, aren't you just a big ol' cuddly bear... Your name should be Harry Adorableness....

Bina said...

I couldn't even try to make a letter this good to my body. I think you took everything about MY body!

Burfica said...

My letter, Dear body you suck!!

the end.

damon said...

O.K. I made it through (ADD be damned) just for you.
I think a letter to my bod would have to be a huge thanks for the torture I've put it through. 15 years of ice hockey, 6 years of Marine Corps (eeww rah), and two 'bounce on dad' kids. It's amazing I'm still kicking.

Dory said...

Oh, sooooo funny!

*stage whispering* I don't shave my thighs every time either!

You rock, woman.

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Bina, you look slightly bigger than NONEXISTENT, so SHUTTY! :)

Burf, nonono, you gotta tell it WHY it sucks, girl!! Let it all hang out!

Damon, I can't help it, I don't feel fulfilled if I don't get long-winded...

dory, you roll!!

the planet of janet said...

i'm still reeling from the image of avitable in the buff.

my retinas have been permanently damaged and i'm thinking of psychotropic drugs to deal with the trauma.

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Janet: not that I'm against psychotropic drugs, but I thought he was adorable. Big man like that, could keep you warm at night....

Dear God, I'm hopelessly undersexed... Sorry Adam..

aka_Monty said...

I'm just going to copy yours. Except for the hands. I used to like my hands - now arthritis is making me pay for 15 years of softball & basketball.

Plus also, I think you look hot. ;)

baseballmom said...

Jesusgod, maybe one day I'll get the guts to do this...I'm pretty pissed at mine right about now.

OldHorsetailSnake said...

Much? work to be done? Based on your description, I would like to think that you're about to rebuild Grand Coulee Dam...out of cellulite. But, so it goes.

MIGHTY MITCH said...

TO MY LITTLE SISSY, YOU ARE PERFECT AND NEED NOT CHANGE A THING. I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU EVERY DAY. PLEASE HURRY JUNE!!!!!