Monday, March 30, 2009

Big Day...

Well, internets, today is the big day.

The day of my hearing. Where we find out if it's a status hearing, a temporary hearing, or a final hearing. Could be any one of the three. Total crap shoot.

My money is on final hearing. Because the HUSBAND made nice-nice with the judge's clerk and got the inside scoop. Everything is being expedited for him because he has to go back to CHINA. Bet he didn't tell them what he was bringing home from CHINA.

Oh well.

I'll let you know how it goes, probably.

love and stuff,


Thursday, March 26, 2009

My suitcase o' blues....

I love my little daddy....

Last night he called me to check on me. I have to be so careful when I talk to him, that I don't have a "melody-meltdown". My dad can't handle that, and he's got a bad heart. So I try to spare him the worst of my worst moods....

So, I'm telling him that I'm ok, but sick with a cold, and that I've found a house, but the only reason I haven't moved in yet is the cold that has prevented me from getting anything done.

I'm also whining about not having a sofa or a washer and dryer, because after all, this IS my daddy, and should he so choose, he could instruct me to write a check and VOILA! New sofa, new washer, new dryer.

But then, after all this IS my daddy and he ignored my whining. *sigh*

But he gave me a wonderful idea.

"Sissy," he says, (because he calls me that, of course) "I want you to pack a suitcase." (Oh yay! I'm thinking, "Daddy's gonna send me on vacation!!")

"I want you to pack it IN YOUR MIND...." (huh? But... um... DADDY? How'm I gonna go on vacation with a MIND SUITCASE?)

"In it, I want you to put all the bad shit. Everything you don't want to take into your new home. Pack it into your suitcase. Take your time, sister, and do it right. Pack up all the hurt and the anger and the bad feelings. And when you drive up to your house, leave that suitcase on the curb for the garbageman."

Eventually, my daddy gets around to making sense...

So, throughout the day, I will be "packing" my virtual suitcase, and of course, being the attention whore that I am, I want to share with you what I'm packing.

And of course, if you have any good ideas for me, I'd be glad to hear 'em.


Melody's Suitcase O' Blues:

1. My guilt over my mother falling on October 5, 1990. I know she would not have held it against me, and I will learn to not hold it against myself.

2. My memory of the Sperm Donor asking me, "Am I ashamed of you? Well, would YOU want to be seen out with something that looks like you?"

3. My shame for being unfaithful to my husband in a relationship that did NOTHING for me.

4. My fear that I will never find someone that I will REALLY connect with. That I will never MATTER... to anyone.

5. My love of the Little Debbie Devil. (which is Nutty Bars, to be specific)

***to be continued...

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Oh, the humanities.... how I hate them.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a good person.

I'm grouchy, and hateful. I'm lazy and fat. I'm depressed and unwilling to work to make my life better. I'm not a good friend, because friendship takes work, and I don't like work. I certainly haven't been a good wife, over the last 25 years.

There are many, many NOT good things about me.

But I will tell you something true. I have never in my life INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone. It is not in me to do so. My soon-to-be-EX husband would probably disagree with me. But he, as usual, would be wrong. I did not try to hurt him.

I am open about my life, about who I am, the mistakes I've made, and all the many things that are wrong with me. The reason I am this way is because I want to know right up front if the things about ME are things that YOU can live with. So I shower you with all the bad stuff. If you can handle that, I figure you're a keeper.

Probably that is not the best way to live. Because, let me tell you.... People lie. Why does this still surprise me? People will say to you, "I can handle all your quirks, I will be your friend no matter what." But it isn't true.... Because when the going gets tough, and with me, believe me, it gets tough, then they bail...

I'm filled with so much anger and disappointment right now, I'm not sure what to do with it all. And it isn't all about ONE thing. Oh, no. It seems like there's something new every single day that sends me right up to... and over... the edge.

I don't have control of my emotions. I don't have control of anything... I have never felt so completely helpless in my life. And it's not a good feeling. Not that I've ever felt like a strong and "in control" individual. No, I've pretty much felt insecure and incapable, for as long as I can remember.

I can't rant about it here. THAT'S one thing that is driving me bug fucking nuts. There's so much I want to say, so much I NEED to say, and my blog SHOULD be the place that I can say it. But I can't. Because I have to worry about what some OTHER people would think or feel should they read about the CRAP I'm feeling right now.


I have a secret blog. Only about 3 or 4 people know of it. And I guess I'm going to have to use THAT forum to get some of this venom out of me. Because I don't know what else to do. If I don't do SOMETHING to vent this rage, it's going to burn me alive. And then I will be CRISPY, dead melodyann....

For now, those of you who are my friends, please know that I AM, for the most part, ok. My hearing is Monday. I have found a place to live. Eventually, I KNOW that I will be better than I am at this moment.

love and stuff,


Sunday, March 8, 2009

The List...

I am a list maker. I love making lists. I make lists of books I want to buy, books I want to read, books I've already read. I make lists of songs I want to download, things I want to cook, places I want to go.

I generally never see these lists again.

Because I am also a LOSER of lists. I can make a list of things to buy at the grocery, and WATCH myself tuck it into my wallet, put my wallet into my purse, put my purse on my shoulder.

By the time I get to the grocery, the list is gone. I usually find it a week later, with a wad of gum tucked inside it.

Recent events have certainly necessitated the making of new lists.

And apparently, my LISTER is broken.

Because I can sit down with a pen, and two hours later, I have doodled my name 37 times, written a haiku, added some random numbers (you LOSE those math skills if you don't use them), and drawn 54 stick people.

But I cannot come up with a list to save my fat ass.

So, this morning, I was talking to a friend, and thinking, "What the hell am I going to do today?" He said something that I had no idea how to reply to, and so I let my mind wander....

"melodyann," I said to myself. "you've got to DO something today."

"fuck off," says melodyann. She can be SUCH a bitch, that melodyann.

"i'm SERIOUS," says I. "it's a beautiful day. you are reasonably clear headed, you have a MILLION things that need doing. you need a LIST."

"i don't do those anymore," quipped melodyann. "is there any more coffee? i need to pee. you're out of cigarettes. look how cute Cleo is. why don't you go lay down and cuddle with her? jeebus, your legs are hairy. what's for breakfast?"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed. "you're not paying attention! we need a LIST! Lists are good! they tell you what to do!"

"we could play scrabbbbbb-le," says melodyann. "you know how much you love scrabble... c'mon, just one little game. no one will know...."

But I remained firm. We need a list, me and melodyann. Because there is a very good chance we will be divorced in 22 days. And we are NOT prepared. And so I thought that making a list HERE might be a good idea, since I cannot doodle, draw stickmen OR add any numbers on my blog. *note to self: find some kind of math widget to add to blog.

Here then, is the first draft of my current ToDo List. Believe me when I tell you that it is in no certain order, and it's a VERY rough draft. Feel free to add anything you feel might be important.

1. Go buy cigarettes.

See. I'm already stumped. Perhaps I will try again AFTER I go buy cigarettes...

Sunday, March 1, 2009

A Day, a Life...

dawn comes...
and with it, hope.
the shadows and demons
of the night before it
fade away
in the light of day.

day passes...
and with it, time.
no time for dreams and wishes;
hurry, hurry,
get things done
before the fading sun.

sunset glimmers...
and with it, regret.
time wasted, and love
a myth, a mystery.
fling a prayer into the sky
darkness is nigh...

night falls...
and with it, fear.
monsters roam among the shadows.
the damned cry out
in vain. shed a tear
death is here.