Monday, July 28, 2008

The Future of Miss Anne Derstood....

Dear Internets:

You probably haven't noticed lately, because I am a MASTER at hiding my feelings, but I've been in a bit of a funk... Yes! It's true!

I have had my feelings hurt, my heart broken, my toes stepped on, my civil liberties denied, and my aura disturbed.

BUT... and you will be interested to know this, so pay attention...


And that new wind is called "SELF-RESPECT".

I won't go into any messy details about what is in the past. Because my new middle name is, "LET WHAT IS IN THE PAST BE BURIED AND STAY BURIED FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN."

Here are some things I've been thinking and doing... and saying:

1. I have taken a much more active role in the care of my father-in-law. I thought this would bring about hurt that I couldn't even imagine, but the exact opposite is true. I feel a sense of purpose. I feel needed. I feel that in some way, I am honoring the memory of my mother, by sharing what I know, and what I can do, with my husband's family. And they are beginning to rely on me. Even my husband. Believe it. Or not. It's true.

2. I am a perfectly decent human being and I do not deserve to be treated badly. By anyone. For any reason. And anyone who KNOWINGLY hurts me, FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON, is beneath me. And does not deserve to be called my friend.

3. I'm tired of feeling like I don't measure up. Fuck that. I DO measure up. I'm an intelligent, considerate, sensitive forty-something woman. I have a good sense of humor. I'm kind. I don't give anybody any shit, and I don't want to take any in return. I'm not beautiful, but neither do people hide their eyes when I walk by. I'm overweight, but who give a big shit? I don't have to impress anyone. When I lose weight, it will be to improve my chances for a longer life, not to make anyone fall madly in love with me.

4. When my husband's father leaves this world, my husband has a big decision to make. If he wants to stay married to me, I will work my ass off to make a good marriage with him. And in return, I expect him to climb off my ass and treat me as his WIFE, his equal. I don't have to have a fairy tale love, but I need a dash of RESPECT. Find out what it means to me, baby. And if he wants a divorce, then I have no desire to take anything from him that doesn't already belong to me. I will not fight him for anything. A divorce will be hard on me. Mentally, and financially. But I am MUCH stronger than I have ever given myself credit for being, and I have family and friends who LOVE me, and will stand by me and support me.

5. I do not need ANYONE, and most importantly, ANY MAN, to complete me. I will not be complete until I die. Until then, *I* am in charge of my happiness, my success, my failure, and the everyday "whole-ness" that I may or may not feel. What happens to me, for me, and WITH me is no one else's business, no one else's problem, and no one else's responsibility but my own. I am now in charge of ME.

6. I have a lot of faults... I see them, recognize them for what they are, and ACCEPT them: I am impatient. I tend toward grouchy. I have a filthy mouth. I am lazy. And yes, I have an inferiority complex as big as the great state of TEXAS. These faults are MINE and mine alone, and it is and will be my responsibility to change them, eradicate them, or lovingly cherish them as I SEE FIT.

7. I had a WONDERFUL mother. But she is dead. She's been gone for nearly 18 years. It's time to let go. Holding onto the pain and the loss and the sadness does not honor her memory. And this is not a path she would have chosen for me. It is time for me to love and honor the LIVING. My family. My friends. Myself. I will share the memories of her that I have from time to time. I will NOT wallow in my grief any longer.

8. It's time I had a hobby. And that hobby can NOT be the internet. Because when my hobby is the internet, there is trouble galore in my life. I don't know what my hobby will be. I will choose it carefully, because I plan to THROW myself into it with passion very, very soon. For the record, my hobby will not be illegal, immoral, or unethical. Therefore, lesbian crack whore has been taken out of the list of possible choices. Cheating wife-whore has likewise been eliminated.

9. I will continue to write in my blog. Those of you who choose to stay for the end credits, I welcome you with open arms. You will see a new and improved Miss Anne emerging from the ashes, if my will and my resolve prove to be as strong as my hope and desire.

10. Finally, I want to thank someone. And that someone is Janet, the mother of all best-friends, who taught me that I am worthy of her friendship (even if I'm STILL not wholly convinced..) Janet has put up with more bullshit, more snot-flying, screaming, tearful rants than anyone should ever have to put up with, and STILL she loves me. Go figure. God sent her straight to me. And I humbly thank Him for it.

Fasten your seatbelts, friends. It's gonna be a helluva ride....


Miss Anne Derstood

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Pity, Party of One? Your table is ready...

I am feeling some stress.

Jesus God, I am so angry I could fucking kill somebody.

I'm so sad I could lay down and cry for a week.

I'm so tired I can barely keep my damn head up.

I feel UTTERLY alone in this world.

I'll be back soon, when I have something GOOD to say... Till then I'm going into a self-induced Ativan haze.....

(By the way, I stole that title from Dory, who used it or something very close to it a while back. Isn't she cute?)

(Also, Thing 2's CT scan showed nothing glaringly obvious yesterday. We will get the full results tomorrow or Monday.)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Just another day in paradise...

Thing 2 has to have a cat scan today...

She's been having bad headaches when she runs. This is not normal. Thing 2 is very active. She's been running for several months and the headaches only started a few weeks ago.

Her doctor wants to rule out aneurism, as there is a history of such on both sides of the family. Did I mention I am SICK with fear for my baby? I'm sure she's fine. I am. It's just that the word aneurism strikes fear into my heart.

In other news, papaw is much, much worse now. It breaks my heart anew each time I see him. He is now being treated by Hospice workers. Yesterday, a nurse evaluated and examined him for the first time. Her news was not good. She told husband and his sister that she would estimate he had maybe a month... two if they were lucky.

Lucky? That he might live another month... so weak he cannot stand alone... with mood swings and loss of appetite and almost total loss of motor function? That is LUCK?

My prayer is that he stays pain free as long as possible. My prayer is that my husband, and his sister, and his brother, and their friends and relatives don't become so worn out that they cannot care for him adequately. My prayer is that this doesn't drag out so long that they secretly wish for it to just be OVER, then swim in guilt for the traitorous thought.

Thing 1 does not come home from Germany for nearly two more weeks. I do not want her grandpa to die while she is gone. She won't be able to get back, and I don't want her to feel guilty for being there. Is that selfish of me? Probably. But my FIRST instincts are to protect my children from anything that hurts them.

I am counting the hours until she comes home. Then I remember that she will go back to school only a week later. Christ, I hate the thoughts of her leaving again. This time she will drive her car back to school. I don't even let myself THINK about how afraid THAT is going to make me. I can't handle any more worries at this present time.

I will worry about the car later. I will worry about her leaving later. Right now all I want to do is put my arms around her and breathe.

I learned a very important lesson last night. I can't write about it here, but suffice it to say that it hardened my heart somewhat, which was a thing I needed. I will say this, in our lives, friends come and go. To save ourselves hurt, we should let them go... when they go. You cannot hold onto something that is no longer there.

Words of supreme wisdom from Miss Anne... no?

Keep me and my girls in your thoughts today, internets....

Monday, July 21, 2008

Random thoughts I thunk over the weekend:

1. "I've got to get a second job, and get out of debt. If those fucking stores would stop putting things on SALE, I'd be ok."

2. "Spicy Guacamole Pringles are the SHIT."

3. "If I could win the lottery, I'd move to North Carolina and live out my days as a non-practicing lesbian bartender."

4. "I wish my fingernails were longer. And cleaner. And POLISHED."

5. "Man, I wish I had a pancake."

6. "Oh, you did NOT just tell me I can't have OREO Cakesters."

7. "When the FUCK does Prison Break come back on?"

8. "Christ, I don't wanna have to drive back to Maryland again."

9. "Dear Sweet Tiny Baby Lord Jesus: Please take care of my baby girl in Germany. Send plagues of pestilence on anyone who dares to hurt her. Amen."

10. "Wonder if he's gonna eat that whole fucking cheesecake by himself?"

11. "This cheesecake could use some cherry pie filling on top."

12. "So help me God, if you ask me to 'Play with your wiener', ONE more time, I will SNIP it in the BUD. Swear to God."

13. "Dear God: Please kill Anna so she will stop putting things where I don't want them to be. Or, make husband fall in love with her so SHE will have to 'play with his wiener'. Amen."

14. "Lord have mercy, God, your driving scares the living SHIT out of me. Jesus, take the wheel."

15. "The Lord is not going to 'call you on home' at this time, so please suck it up."

16. "Dammit, why can't curling be a summer Olympic event?"

17. "Damn right I make the best squash casserole around. And you'd better not forget it, Mister."

18. "I need a hobby. Wonder what I'd be good at?"

19. "Dear Our-Father-Who-Art-In-Heaven: I need to lose 100 pounds before Christmas. And quit smoking. And make 43,726 dollars. And get a Brazilian wax. Thank you in advance for attending to these matters. Your faithful servent. Amen."

20. "Oh, you may as well give it UP, fucker. I will ALWAYS be smarter than you. Game over."

Friday, July 18, 2008

You bought a WHAT?

So, recently, I went online and purchased a... um... well, a little something for myself. You know, a v-v-v-v... excuse me... a vi-vi-vi-vi.... er, an adult toy.

So why not? I'm an adult. I'm certainly able to make that decision, and make that PURCHASE... for myself.

OHMYGAWD, it was agonizing... Who knew there were so many of them?

It took me DAYS of going to a couple of different websites.... HOURS of deliberation... and finally, I was so discombobulated that I just said, FUCK IT, I'M GETTING THIS ONE...

Oh. Oh my. Oh sweet crispy jeebus, I made the right decision.

I call him The Purple People Eater. hehehe. Because I am 12.

So anyway, me and the PPE have become inseparable. Well, in a not so EWWW GOD, kind of way.

I told the husband...casually, that I had made such a purchase.

"You did? Why?" he asked.

That stumped me for a second. But then I came up with the perfect answer and said to him, "Because I wanted one."

I figured he'd be angry. I didn't CARE that he'd be angry, but I just figured he would. But he wasn't. Which surprised me.

And then about a week ago, he walked past me in the kitchen and said, "I bought a little something too."

Not realizing what the hell he was talking about I said, "What, a case of beer?" And then it dawned on me, and I said, "Ohhhhh. What did you get? huh? what, what?"

He looked like he was going to tell me. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. And then he turned red. And said, "I'm not going to tell you. It's dumb. I.... never mind."

Well, you know what happened after that.... I followed him from room to room, nagging him incessantly... "What? What did you get? Why won't you tell me? C'mon, you know what I bought, tell me what you bought?"

But he wouldn't. He was embarrassed as hell, and he clammed up and wouldn't say another word.

Fast forward to this past Saturday, and he comes in the house with a box tucked under his arm. "What's that?" I asked him... "Did you find a way to buy BEER CAKES or something?"

And then it dawned on me. "Ohhhhh. Is that IT? What is it? Let me see it!!! C'mon, hand it over!"

And so he got embarrassed again, and said, "Stay away from me!"

And he locked it in his GUN CABINET.

So, of course you know what happened next....

I followed him from room to room, nagging him incessantly. This time, I decided to have a little more fun....

"Is it a vibrator?" I asked. He shook his head no. "Is it a cock ring? A vibrating cock ring? A penis sleeve?" I asked. His head shaking became violent. "Is it a penis extension? A red devil butt plug? A strap on for me?" I asked sweetly. "Is it Asian anal eggs? Ben Wa balls? A whip, a paddle or handcuffs? Nipple clamps?" His eyes were bulging out of his head at this point. He just stood and stared at me.

"Oh, please tell me you bought a squiggle sex probe, or a King Dong," I moaned.

"Who ARE you?" he whispered.


"I KNOW things," I blew him a kiss and walked away. Before I embarrassed MYSELF by laughing till I peed right there in front of him. The rest of that day, he stayed well away from me. I think I scared the shit out of him with my recently acquired ADULT TOY knowledge.

On Sunday morning, I was laying in the bed reading. I heard him lock the bedroom door. "Oh boy, here it comes," I thought.

"Ok, I'll let you see it now," he said. "But you have to promise not to laugh."

Of COURSE I promised. Of COURSE it was a big fat lie.

He handed me the box, and then pretended to ignore me.

I open the box slowly, carefully.... and then stare in confusion... I'm looking at something that looks like one of those cookie presses... What the fuck? I looked over at him and said, "Ok, it's KIND of a turn on that you want to make cookies, but why is this embarrassing?"

He looked at me in disgust. "Cookies? I'm not going to make cookies, what are you TALKING about?" And he jerks the box from my hands and dumps it out on the bed. That's when I see the INSTRUCTION BOOKLET: How your NEW Penis Pump Works...

Well, you can color ME confused... What the hell is a penis pump? You HAVE to understand, I am probably the STUPIDEST person about ADULT TOYS and SEX and THINGS OF THIS PARTICULAR NATURE, ever.

So, I'm like... staring at him, and staring at the booklet, and I think.... MAYBE, a penis pump is to PUMP that sum'bitch up BIGGER!! Woo Hoo!!

I throw my arms around my husband and say, "Honey, aren't you a doll!!! Let's get RIGHT to it!! We're gonna PUMP (clap, clap) YOU UP!!"

I check the instructions for how to put it together, and spend a few minutes totally BEWILDERED by three little rubber ring things, find out what THEY are for with an infuriatingly CRIMSON blush... and then I um.... attached it and turned it on.



Well, I HEAR a noise, so it must be working, right? And then I look DOWN THERE...


Ain't nothin' goin' on down there....

"Hey, what's the problem?" I ask. "There's no suction." whispers my husband. Well, I hand over the controls to him, so that I can be a spectator to this miracle. He fiddles with it a bit while I watch, and.... lo and behold....

Something starts to happen....

Oh the excitement!!! Oh the joy!!! I'm like a cheerleader on the sidelines, SCREAMING, "Oh yeah, baby!! We're gonna PUMP!! (clap, clap) YOU UP!!"

And woo hoo!! The damn thing is growing!! I'm up off the bed at this point, with my arms waving in the air and I burst out in song: "Can I get a WIT-NESS??? Can I get a WIT-NESS!?!?!"

"SHHHHH! Shut up! Jesus, you're so LOUD!" says my husband. And he's making this really funny face, almost like he's in PAIN. And suddenly, he's scrambling like mad trying to break the suction and get the penis pump OFF.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!" I scream. "What the fuck are you doing? It's not DONE!!!" That thing has not even BEGUN to fill that tube.

"It's HURTING," he pants. "I've got to get it off..."

Well, shit.... OK, I am nothing if not a team player, so I reach out and push the PANIC button, which stops the suction immediately. Husband slides the rubber ring thingy um... down where it needs to BE, donchaknow...

And we set about making things HAPPEN.

Ok, so far so good...

Ninety seconds later, I hear this: "Ahhhh, shit."

Now, I don't know about you.... but I have to tell you that right smack dab in the middle of MARITAL RELATIONS is not the time I want to hear the words, "Ahhhh, shit."

And then I knew.....

And I said, "Ahhhh, shit."

And he said, "The ring didn't work..."

Huh. Well, well, well. What the fuck do you know about that? The ring did not work. The RING did not work? I'm thinking not a DAMN thing worked, but I say nothing.

I grab the instructions and start at the beginning....

It seems you can learn SOMETHING new each and every day. Because a PENIS PUMP is not used to MAKE AN ALREADY WORKING PENIS BIGGER. It is used to give a LIMP NOODLE a nudge in the right direction.

And the rings? Well, they are used to keep it there.

"Why did that goddamn thing grow, in that tube?" I yelled at my husband.

"Well, you were WATCHING it," he defended himself. "I got excited by that."

I growled. And I kept reading....

"YOU USED THE WRONG RING!!!" I shouted in accusation. "What the hell made you think you need the LARGE ONE?" I am completely bumfuzzled with frustration. "It's supposed to be tight!"


"It wasn't tight ENOUGH, Johnny ComeEARLY!!!"

And then I saw the receipt......

"HOLY MOTHER OF THE TINY LITTLE LORD BABY JESUS!!!! You paid TWO HUNDRED and fifty four DOLLARS for that piece of SHIT?"

And then I saw something in his eyes.... He'd had enough. He was embarrassed and frustrated (though TRUST me, not as frustrated as ME) and he was angry. And he was out $254.

I heaved a very longsuffering sigh....

"Well, maybe you can make it into a cookie press...." and left the room with my head held high. Last word, I win...

The end.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Oh the games people play....

Move over Scrabulous:

There's a new game in town. And it's name is WordTwist:

And I am it's BITCH....

If you're my friend on Facebook, play a game of WordTwist with me... I double dog dare you...

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Sunday Night....

There's a recurring dream I have. It drives me NUTS.

I am chewing gum. The gum gets too soft and starts sticking to my teeth. I can't get the shit off. Just when I think I've gotten most of it, it goes all soft AGAIN, and there is more and more and more that I am just RAKING off my teeth.

God only knows what kind of noises I am making while I am having this dream.

What do you think it means?

Here's some pictures I decided to put up from a couple of posts ago. I wasn't going to put any up, because I was bummed that hardly anyone asked for pictures, and MITCHELL WILL YOU STOP PUTTING STUPID FUCKING COMMENTS ON MY BLOG?


Anyway, in no certain order, here are a few of your requests, sans the boobs and the BIG BLACK, which does NOT. FUCKING. EXIST. Thank you very much. And Burfica, no way in hell am I posting a pic of me in jammies. NO. WAY. So, I posted a pic of me. Just me. No jammies.

Husband, toes, Me, Vincent-the-saving-Dog, Shelby, my messy desk at home, crop of neck-mole-y-things, my fabulous giant bed, Cleo. Couldn't find a pic of my desk at work. Maybe I will take one on Monday.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Crazier than a soup sandwich (I know you are, but what am I?)...

You know how sometimes I get all crazy and start deleting shit? I'm feeling that way again... Christ, I'm in a bad mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... which generally gets me worked up in a bad way. I'm not so easy on myself when I "look in the mirror," whether literally, or figuratively. But sometimes I'm TOO hard on myself, forgetting that there ARE some good things about me, some things that I'm proud of, some things about myself I like.

So, I've decided to write this post about myself, to EXPLAIN who I really am, so to speak. Because sometimes the real me gets lost in the self pity and the fear and the anger and the depression.

You may agree with some of what I say. You may disagree with lots of it. You may have your own opinions, and you may or may not want to share them. I don't mind. Today, believe it or not, I am writing for ME, even though I am talking to YOU. And it will probably be a little disjointed, mixed up, angry and depressing. But somewhere, inside of me, there is some GOOD. No... there is LOTS of good. I know this. It's gotten lost in the shuffle maybe, but it's in there. And I aim to find it, and cherish it.

Because I have a goal. And it isn't to change who I am. It isn't to change how I live. It isn't to run away, or get a divorce, or live in another state. I don't know what the future holds for me, as far as my marital status. But one thing I am CERTAIN of, and I became certain of it YESTERDAY, when a mood so foul it knocked me on my ass came over me, completely out of the blue...

I have to learn to live within my own skin. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with. I could leave, get a divorce, move away and find a job. But until I can see and recognize that goodness that I know is in me, where would the peace and contentment be? I could meet someone, fall in love, and try to live happily ever after. But until I find the strength within myself to COUNT on me, to CHERISH me, to BELIEVE in me, how will I ever be able to accept that I am deserving of love from someone else?

People go through difficult situations all the time. Some of them wallow in it, paralyzed by fear and acceptance, and lose bits of themselves until they become someone that they don't recognize. I am in real danger of that happening to me. And I don't want it to. I want to be one of the ones who doesn't let the bad touch them... doesn't let it change them... doesn't let it imprison them.

So, you see, at least for now... it doesn't matter where I am... I will not thrive in any environment at this present time. And it isn't anyone's fault but my own. And no one can fix it but me. You can come along for the ride, I surely would appreciate the company. And you can offer advice, and you can offer your own opinion, and you can offer support... I may not take your advice, and I may not ask for your opinion, but damned if I won't hang on to you for dear life, if I need to...

So let's begin to find out who I really am, shall we? And just for fun, let's start with something good...

I believe, with all my heart, in the power of laughter. If I go through a day without having laughed, a time or two... I feel that day is wasted. Time not well spent, and lost forever... At times I can be funny. One of the greatest joys in my life is making someone laugh. And I will go to great lengths to do it. Here on my blog, I have become decidedly UN-funny, and that's a damn shame. Some people don't understand my sense of humor. Those people are to be pitied, because they are idiots... Sometimes my brand of funny doesn't come across on paper or on my blog, as well as it does in person. Someone said it's all about INFLECTION, but I disagree, mainly because I am pissed off at that someone and wouldn't agree if they said the earth is ROUND.

I think it's all about the eyes... If you cannot look into someone's eyes when they speak, you cannot know exactly how they mean what they are saying, sometimes. And so, I might be extraordinarily funny one day, and no one will get it, because all they will see is my words. They will not see the twinkle in my eye, or the scrunching up of the laugh lines (of which I have plenty now that I'm in my 40's, believe me).

So, that person that thinks it's all about the INFLECTION can suck it, because they are dumber than a five pound bag of STOO-PID. And mean and unforgiving and hateful, but that's a whole 'nother story...

I don't have a twisted sense of humor, though the twisted can often be hilarious. Just ask Adam Avitable. My brand of funny is not slanted towards racial, ethnic, religion or sexual preference, though, to be fair, if it's funny, I'm going to laugh, no matter WHO it slams... Trust me, I laugh at myself much more often than I laugh at anyone else...

In summation, I have determined that I have a wonderful sense of humor. I love to laugh, and I love to make other people laugh. I have self-confidence, when it comes to funny. So, on your scoreboards, on the side of WHY I'M NOT A BIG OL' LOSER FUCKER HEAD, please write, (1) Loves to laugh, (2) Has healthy sense of humor, and (3) Can make other people laugh.

To be continued...

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Let's play a game....

EDITED: I'm adding a wonderful facet to the game. And that facet is called, "ARE YOU TALKIN' TO ME?" That's right, you request me to say, sing, shout, whisper or quote something, and I'll do it. Let my hillbilly voice be heard throughout the land!!! Or something like that....
PS: You all are full of suck because I'm getting so few requests here! Get your shit in gear, people! This is the chance of a lifetime! HA!

Hello internets!!

Let's play a game. And that game is called "Take a fucking picture, whydoncha?"

You request a picture of something. I will take that picture and post it on my blog.

Somehow, that sounded a lot more fun inside my head.....

Be creative, be funny, be serious... I'm in the mood for anything. Only a couple of rules:

No nudie pics (trust me, it's for your own safety and mental well-being...).

Hmmm... that's pretty much the only rule.

Ready, set... go!

This was obviously a rotten idea. Never mind. Carry on. The END.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

And we're HOME, and then we're OFF again...

So, we got home Tuesday night at 10:30 from Tennessee....

I have the most wonderful brother that God ever created... We had the most splendid cabin in the Smoky Mountains, the best food, the most laughs, and the greatest thrills... all paid for by my very AFFLUENT sibling. Ain't life grand sometimes?

I haven't had time to transfer pictures yet, so go here if you want to see our cabin... It was completely awesome.

Today we are off again, this time to Maryland, to spend a couple of days with my niece Amy. I'm depending on Amy to get us to D.C. tomorrow night (AGAIN I will say, "who, by all that is HOLY and RIGHT, leaves the country from DULLES airport on JULY 4th?).

Yes, Thing 1 leaves us for a month to travel halfway across the world to Germany. My heart is sad and hurt-y... I am happy and excited for her, this is a chance of a lifetime, but at the same time, I'm terrified to turn my baby loose in a foreign country for a month. Jesus, take the wheel...

The rest of the summer is already locked in for Thing 2. Bless her tiny little pea-pickin' heart, she will be babysitting till school starts, along with a full day, EVERY DAY, of band starting the 29th of July... Had it not been for Uncle Mitch, Thing 2's summer would have been interminable, boring, and completely UN-vacation-y. Thank you, thank you, Mitchell and Kate. Just in case I never say it enough, I am blessed with untold riches to have you in my life.

Just a small note about my previous post and the comments subsequently left by you:

I appreciate, in ways I will never be able to articulate, each and every one of you. To have even one friend who cares about you makes you rich. I feel like a billionaire...

Having said that, let me say this: my mother told me once, "You choose the life that you live. And if it doesn't suit you, there are two things you can do about it: you can accept it, and live it, the best way you can; or, you can change it. If you choose to accept it, then accept it and shut up about it. People get tired of hearing it, and of watching you wallow in self-pity and inaction."

I was notoriously gifted for completely misunderstanding, ignoring and blowing off her advice, but my mother was a very wise woman.

I apologize for dumping my shit in your laps.

Enough said.

I will leave you with this conversation with Mitch, in Pigeon Forge, TN:

Mitch: Hey, did you see that pottery girl's hands, how strong they were?

Me: Ummm, I didn't notice so much.

Mitch: I bet she could grab hold of a man and just.... (jerking his fist)

Me: Jesus Christ, you're a nasty motherfucker...

Mitch: I loves me some pottery girls...