Friday, July 18, 2008

You bought a WHAT?

So, recently, I went online and purchased a... um... well, a little something for myself. You know, a v-v-v-v... excuse me... a vi-vi-vi-vi.... er, an adult toy.

So why not? I'm an adult. I'm certainly able to make that decision, and make that PURCHASE... for myself.

OHMYGAWD, it was agonizing... Who knew there were so many of them?

It took me DAYS of going to a couple of different websites.... HOURS of deliberation... and finally, I was so discombobulated that I just said, FUCK IT, I'M GETTING THIS ONE...

Oh. Oh my. Oh sweet crispy jeebus, I made the right decision.

I call him The Purple People Eater. hehehe. Because I am 12.

So anyway, me and the PPE have become inseparable. Well, in a not so EWWW GOD, kind of way.

I told the husband...casually, that I had made such a purchase.

"You did? Why?" he asked.

That stumped me for a second. But then I came up with the perfect answer and said to him, "Because I wanted one."

I figured he'd be angry. I didn't CARE that he'd be angry, but I just figured he would. But he wasn't. Which surprised me.

And then about a week ago, he walked past me in the kitchen and said, "I bought a little something too."

Not realizing what the hell he was talking about I said, "What, a case of beer?" And then it dawned on me, and I said, "Ohhhhh. What did you get? huh? what, what?"

He looked like he was going to tell me. He opened his mouth, but no sound came out. And then he turned red. And said, "I'm not going to tell you. It's dumb. I.... never mind."

Well, you know what happened after that.... I followed him from room to room, nagging him incessantly... "What? What did you get? Why won't you tell me? C'mon, you know what I bought, tell me what you bought?"

But he wouldn't. He was embarrassed as hell, and he clammed up and wouldn't say another word.

Fast forward to this past Saturday, and he comes in the house with a box tucked under his arm. "What's that?" I asked him... "Did you find a way to buy BEER CAKES or something?"

And then it dawned on me. "Ohhhhh. Is that IT? What is it? Let me see it!!! C'mon, hand it over!"

And so he got embarrassed again, and said, "Stay away from me!"

And he locked it in his GUN CABINET.

So, of course you know what happened next....

I followed him from room to room, nagging him incessantly. This time, I decided to have a little more fun....

"Is it a vibrator?" I asked. He shook his head no. "Is it a cock ring? A vibrating cock ring? A penis sleeve?" I asked. His head shaking became violent. "Is it a penis extension? A red devil butt plug? A strap on for me?" I asked sweetly. "Is it Asian anal eggs? Ben Wa balls? A whip, a paddle or handcuffs? Nipple clamps?" His eyes were bulging out of his head at this point. He just stood and stared at me.

"Oh, please tell me you bought a squiggle sex probe, or a King Dong," I moaned.

"Who ARE you?" he whispered.

Hee.

"I KNOW things," I blew him a kiss and walked away. Before I embarrassed MYSELF by laughing till I peed right there in front of him. The rest of that day, he stayed well away from me. I think I scared the shit out of him with my recently acquired ADULT TOY knowledge.

On Sunday morning, I was laying in the bed reading. I heard him lock the bedroom door. "Oh boy, here it comes," I thought.

"Ok, I'll let you see it now," he said. "But you have to promise not to laugh."

Of COURSE I promised. Of COURSE it was a big fat lie.

He handed me the box, and then pretended to ignore me.

I open the box slowly, carefully.... and then stare in confusion... I'm looking at something that looks like one of those cookie presses... What the fuck? I looked over at him and said, "Ok, it's KIND of a turn on that you want to make cookies, but why is this embarrassing?"

He looked at me in disgust. "Cookies? I'm not going to make cookies, what are you TALKING about?" And he jerks the box from my hands and dumps it out on the bed. That's when I see the INSTRUCTION BOOKLET: How your NEW Penis Pump Works...

Well, you can color ME confused... What the hell is a penis pump? You HAVE to understand, I am probably the STUPIDEST person about ADULT TOYS and SEX and THINGS OF THIS PARTICULAR NATURE, ever.

So, I'm like... staring at him, and staring at the booklet, and I think.... MAYBE, a penis pump is to PUMP that sum'bitch up BIGGER!! Woo Hoo!!

I throw my arms around my husband and say, "Honey, aren't you a doll!!! Let's get RIGHT to it!! We're gonna PUMP (clap, clap) YOU UP!!"

I check the instructions for how to put it together, and spend a few minutes totally BEWILDERED by three little rubber ring things, find out what THEY are for with an infuriatingly CRIMSON blush... and then I um.... attached it and turned it on.

....
....

Hmmm....

Well, I HEAR a noise, so it must be working, right? And then I look DOWN THERE...

....
....

Ain't nothin' goin' on down there....

"Hey, what's the problem?" I ask. "There's no suction." whispers my husband. Well, I hand over the controls to him, so that I can be a spectator to this miracle. He fiddles with it a bit while I watch, and.... lo and behold....

Something starts to happen....

Oh the excitement!!! Oh the joy!!! I'm like a cheerleader on the sidelines, SCREAMING, "Oh yeah, baby!! We're gonna PUMP!! (clap, clap) YOU UP!!"

And woo hoo!! The damn thing is growing!! I'm up off the bed at this point, with my arms waving in the air and I burst out in song: "Can I get a WIT-NESS??? Can I get a WIT-NESS!?!?!"

"SHHHHH! Shut up! Jesus, you're so LOUD!" says my husband. And he's making this really funny face, almost like he's in PAIN. And suddenly, he's scrambling like mad trying to break the suction and get the penis pump OFF.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!!!!" I scream. "What the fuck are you doing? It's not DONE!!!" That thing has not even BEGUN to fill that tube.

"It's HURTING," he pants. "I've got to get it off..."

Well, shit.... OK, I am nothing if not a team player, so I reach out and push the PANIC button, which stops the suction immediately. Husband slides the rubber ring thingy um... down where it needs to BE, donchaknow...

And we set about making things HAPPEN.

Ok, so far so good...

Ninety seconds later, I hear this: "Ahhhh, shit."

Now, I don't know about you.... but I have to tell you that right smack dab in the middle of MARITAL RELATIONS is not the time I want to hear the words, "Ahhhh, shit."

And then I knew.....

And I said, "Ahhhh, shit."

And he said, "The ring didn't work..."

Huh. Well, well, well. What the fuck do you know about that? The ring did not work. The RING did not work? I'm thinking not a DAMN thing worked, but I say nothing.

I grab the instructions and start at the beginning....

It seems you can learn SOMETHING new each and every day. Because a PENIS PUMP is not used to MAKE AN ALREADY WORKING PENIS BIGGER. It is used to give a LIMP NOODLE a nudge in the right direction.

And the rings? Well, they are used to keep it there.

"Why did that goddamn thing grow, in that tube?" I yelled at my husband.

"Well, you were WATCHING it," he defended himself. "I got excited by that."

I growled. And I kept reading....

"YOU USED THE WRONG RING!!!" I shouted in accusation. "What the hell made you think you need the LARGE ONE?" I am completely bumfuzzled with frustration. "It's supposed to be tight!"

"IT WAS!"

"It wasn't tight ENOUGH, Johnny ComeEARLY!!!"

And then I saw the receipt......

"HOLY MOTHER OF THE TINY LITTLE LORD BABY JESUS!!!! You paid TWO HUNDRED and fifty four DOLLARS for that piece of SHIT?"

And then I saw something in his eyes.... He'd had enough. He was embarrassed and frustrated (though TRUST me, not as frustrated as ME) and he was angry. And he was out $254.

I heaved a very longsuffering sigh....

"Well, maybe you can make it into a cookie press...." and left the room with my head held high. Last word, I win...

The end.

25 comments:

Erin said...

LMAO!!!

Oh my, you can make any story just freaking hysterical!

Soapy Nethers said...

I...am officially speechless!

Dawn @ Coming to a Nursery Near You said...

gee, I can't IMAGINE why this post would see you dead before dawn.

gawwwwwwwwd.

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Gee, soapy, I don't think I've ever seen you speechless!!!

Jen A said...

What?- NO PICTURES?

And FYI... your Purple People Eater ain't got nothing my Pink Panther.

Next round of C batteries is on me!

Sleeping Mommy said...

I kind of feel sorry for him. He was trying honey. I think he really was.

By the way, we called mine Pinky and the Brain.

baseballmom said...

HAHAHAAHAHAHA!!!! That was funny as hell. I kinda feel a little sorry for him too...maybe you shoulda just let him play with you and the purple people eater--I bet that would fix the limp noodle! I have to confess to looking online for toys too, but have always been too chicken to buy one, and been confused by the multitude of choices.

Avitable said...

If suction worked, high school aged boys the world round would have the hugest penises out there!

Miss Britt said...

I am so, so confused. LOL

Turnbaby said...

It's funny funny funny but I really do think he was trying. Maybe another go? ;-)

the planet of janet said...

oh people. puh-leeeeze!

senor satan was really hoping only to impress, not satisfy. thinking of others isn't in his nature.

seriously.

Sleeping Mommy said...

Man, Janet, you are probably right. I had such high hopes that he was actually trying for once. Sigh...

I guess I'm not the pessimist I claim to be.

Burfica said...

OMG I laughed so hard I think I blew a snot bubble.

I'm with everyone else, you should have pulled out the purple people eater and had your own party. hehehehehe

baseballmom said...

Yeah, what the hell was I thinking, being sorry for him. Never mind!

Neil said...

I'm glad my wife isn't such a bumbling ditz.

MARFSBABY said...

Mine's French and his name is Pierre. Which is kind of a gay name when you think about it. He's pink though - so it kind of fits... but he's definately not gay. Aaanyhooo... I think your man was totally sweet to try and go through all that, it must have been pretty embarassing. I'll bet you could gently coax him into trying again.

... and then tell us all about it - that was funny as hell.

Memarie Lane said...

Best vibrator post ever. Can't believe you never heard of a penis pump though, don't you get spam?

Mary Beth said...

Oh my god - I just laughed so hard, I think I peed my pants a little.

Anonymous said...

Oh dear god I got the most disgusting visual reading that!!! What are the girls going to think when they read that!!! I hope they dont have this link.. your going to scar them for life!! lmao So that first trip to the store we went to in fl finally itched your curiousity huh? Oh god im just speechless...

Mike Todd said...

I'm glad to see you lived long enough to post again after this one. Holy cow, that was funny. Do those things come with AC adapters?

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Freaking hilarious!!!!!!!!

Bina said...

This could possibly be the funniest shit I have EVER read!!!!!! I LOVE you and your sense of humor on EVERYTHING!

Loralee Choate said...

Hilarious. (I am glad to see you survived to post again as well. My husband would KILL me.) ;)

nettalyce said...

I linked to this post from Kelly over at blogher. I made the mistake of reading this at work. This is some of the funniest stuff I have read in a long time. You truly have a gift.

Anonymous said...

what an insensitive wife.