Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Just another day in paradise...

Thing 2 has to have a cat scan today...

She's been having bad headaches when she runs. This is not normal. Thing 2 is very active. She's been running for several months and the headaches only started a few weeks ago.

Her doctor wants to rule out aneurism, as there is a history of such on both sides of the family. Did I mention I am SICK with fear for my baby? I'm sure she's fine. I am. It's just that the word aneurism strikes fear into my heart.
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In other news, papaw is much, much worse now. It breaks my heart anew each time I see him. He is now being treated by Hospice workers. Yesterday, a nurse evaluated and examined him for the first time. Her news was not good. She told husband and his sister that she would estimate he had maybe a month... two if they were lucky.

Lucky? That he might live another month... so weak he cannot stand alone... with mood swings and loss of appetite and almost total loss of motor function? That is LUCK?

My prayer is that he stays pain free as long as possible. My prayer is that my husband, and his sister, and his brother, and their friends and relatives don't become so worn out that they cannot care for him adequately. My prayer is that this doesn't drag out so long that they secretly wish for it to just be OVER, then swim in guilt for the traitorous thought.
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Thing 1 does not come home from Germany for nearly two more weeks. I do not want her grandpa to die while she is gone. She won't be able to get back, and I don't want her to feel guilty for being there. Is that selfish of me? Probably. But my FIRST instincts are to protect my children from anything that hurts them.

I am counting the hours until she comes home. Then I remember that she will go back to school only a week later. Christ, I hate the thoughts of her leaving again. This time she will drive her car back to school. I don't even let myself THINK about how afraid THAT is going to make me. I can't handle any more worries at this present time.

I will worry about the car later. I will worry about her leaving later. Right now all I want to do is put my arms around her and breathe.
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I learned a very important lesson last night. I can't write about it here, but suffice it to say that it hardened my heart somewhat, which was a thing I needed. I will say this, in our lives, friends come and go. To save ourselves hurt, we should let them go... when they go. You cannot hold onto something that is no longer there.

Words of supreme wisdom from Miss Anne... no?

Keep me and my girls in your thoughts today, internets....

8 comments:

Avitable said...

I'll keep Thing 2 in my thoughts.

the planet of janet said...

love and hugs to you all...

xoxoxo

Jen A said...

Thinking good thoughts about Thing 2 and papaw...

Hang in there. You've got a lot on your plate right now. You'll get through this.

Bina said...

It is NOT selfish of you to think that way.

I was going to say some poignant stuff, but it might come out the wrong way, so I won't.

Wow. Gone for a month, home a week, then gone again. My heart would be breaking, too. And I, too would be very afraid.

And I'm sorry, but yea, two months to live in pain and misery. I would just want to go now, while I can still say goodbye to my loved ones and they would have good memories of me, not memories of me laying in a bed in pain and dying.

I hope that doesn't cold.

Dory said...

I'm so sorry, sweetheart.

I'll keep both Things, papaw, and you in my prayers.

Hang in there, baby.

aka_Monty said...

Loving you and yours, sending prayers and strong vibes.
xoxoxoox

DraMa said...

First, let me say that I'm sorry you are in such a state of worry right now. I know first hand how scary an aneurysm is. My step-dad just went through this.

But, if she has one and they catch it then she will be FINE!!! Aneurysms are mainly bad when they burst. If they are caught they can be stopped from causing damage. Most are NEVER caught in time.

I can also understand your feelings about Thing 1 and your pawpaw. God be with him.

Finally, I am not sure what it was that happened, but I lost a friend at the beginning of the year and it also hardened my heart, which I DESPERATELY needed. It was the best thing. So, it solidified the fact that people come into our lives for a reason and leave for a reason. So yes, let it go. And I just wrote about something similar, about holding onto the past and such... so, maybe you can find some words of encouragement in that post.

baseballmom said...

Oh, god, girl...I'm so sorry all of this is happening at once. I know what you mean about the cat scan--T's dr. called me a couple of weeks ago on a SUNDAY (scary) and said that his EEG results have 'changed' and she's seeing a different type of seizure, so he has to have an MRI. She says it's just routine, because she's never seen an actual pic of his brain, but STILL...like I told her, I can't help but think brain tumor when she says things like that. I hope papaw goes peacefully, surrounded by family and knowing that he's loved. My MIL went very quickly and it was a blessing. My grandpa is 94 and is getting so much sicker from prostate cancer, and leukemia, that he's not able to do much of anything. Makes me SURE that I don't want to live that long and just linger. Lastly (sorry for the long ass comment), I had a couple of friends who exited my life, and later I tried to reconnect...big mistake. We had nothing in common, and it was better leaving it alone. Good luck with everything, and I'll be thinking of ya.