Wednesday, February 25, 2009


I want to be funny again. I want to laugh and snort and write about the deliciously goofy and hilarious things my kids do. I want to tell stories of The Husband's obscenely ignorant remarks. I want to talk shit about our clients and the complete MORONS that I run into on a daily basis.


I'm so angry.

Oh my God, I'm so angry I feel like my head is going to explode. It's eating away at my soul. It's feeding on my fear and my frustration and my disappointment.

I've never in my life been so angry. Not even when my mother, who was the BEST person I've EVER known, died at the ripe old age of 51. Not even when some kids I went to church with wrapped a trash bag around a little old lady's head who lived only three houses from me, and let her die... Because she wouldn't loan them her car.

I wasn't this angry when I read about the mom who drowned her children in the bathtub. Or when my brother came into my house and stole a thousand dollars of my dad's money that was hidden here. Or when they cancelled Alien Nation.

Every single cell in my body is SCREAMING in outrage. Every smile, every laugh, every word that comes from someone else's mouth fills me with malice. I want to punch the world in the nose.

I don't know what to do with it, all this anger. I don't even really know why I am FEELING it. Despite what you may think is true, I CAUSED this mess that I find myself in. This fucking pit of excrement is of my OWN MAKING.

I really, truly, honestly, don't know what to do...

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Anyone for Chinese?

Well, well, well. Here we are. I sat for a while last night and stared at my blog. I missed it so. And then it came to me.... like an epiphany, only... you know, in a kind of, "oh my Jesus, it's fucking 1:30 in the morning, and I have to get up at 4:00!" kind of way.

I want to WRITE again. I don't care about what. God knows, nothing GLORIOUS ever sprang from my lips, no words of GREAT INSIGHT or INSPIRATION.

But I don't care. HMPFH. This is my blog, and I miss writing in it. And so now I'm going to do it some more.

And I'm not hiding under an assumed name, or a cartoon picture anymore either. Fuck that shit. What do I have to hide? Trust me, there's more going on out there in that great big world than what can be found here on my little corner of it.


How've you guys been? Didja miss me? I better get, like, 50 gazillion comments saying, "oh my heck YES, I was about to go out of my MIND from pining for you, melody!" Otherwise, I'm gonna pick one of you and come move in with you. And bring Things One and Two. And the dogs. And I might find Anny-Banany and bring her too. That would serve you right.

So, gosh, it's been so long since I've actually written anything that MATTERED, I don't know where to start....

You all know that I moved out of the house on November 10th. A lot of you probably know that I moved back in in the middle of December, when my boss decided "We are not running a half-way house, Melody."

So, yeah, I'm still there, at home, still looking for a place to live, or someone who will let me mooch off them. Neither is very easy to find in my hometown, let me tell you. West Virginia is full of mooch-ERS, not mooch-EES. I long to become a mooch-EE.

Oh! There's some interesting news for some of you, who might not have had to listen to me whine and cry and piss and moan in the last couple of months!

My husband went to China and had sexual relations with a 25 year old POSSIBLE Chinese hooker! Twice! See? Never boring around here, let me tell you.


For the past little bit, I've been so goddamned angry that I have completely lost control of my life. Some of you will think to yourself, "Bitch, you deserved it! Look what you've done to him!" And I can tell you, I don't disagree with you. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

And I will tell you, I'm not just angry about the sex. Although I am plenty angry about that, and I can be angry if I WANT to so SHUTTIE!

I'm angry because it didn't END there. Oh no, he didn't just have sex. This man, the man that I've been married to, controlled by, talked down to, rejected by, and generally FUCKED WITH for 25 years, has fallen in love.....

Whisper it, won't you..... he's fallen in love.... imagine birds singing gaily, and rose petals floating on a golden breeze....

And then picture this: a $1,100 PINK laptop computer, a $365 dollar Chinese-to-English pocket translator, $400 for a personal translator to TELEPHONE China and talk to said Chinese POSSIBLE hooker, $200 for a new cell phone, $100 for a new pair of tennis shoes, 2 new pairs of jeans (cost as yet undetermined) and 2 new t-shirts (cost as yet undetermined).

A goddamn pink laptop.

And you haven't even BEGUN to hear it all, internets. Because I. ordered. it. for. her.

Oh, yes, I did. I ordered her the pink laptop. I ordered the Chinese-to-English pocket translator. I found the website for the personal translator.

Because I believed him when he said, "I STILL have not done as much wrong as you. You owe me."

Thing Two said, "I feel like I live in some kind of alternate universe. My mom and dad are cheating on each other and helping each other do it." I didn't correct her by saying, "No, by God, no one helped me, thank you very much."

Thing One said, "You two are completely fucked up. Get my sister out of there before you ruin her."

The Chinese girl, who my darling daughters have dubbed Young Chow, wants to get married. Well, isn't that a surprise? She must REALLY love my husband, (and believe me when I say, internets, I use the term "my husband" as an identifier only, as I promised not to use his name on my blog. I don't keep ALL my promises, but this one I will keep.)

Anyway, Young Chow must REALLY be in love. Because she wants to get MARRIED. I guess, "I have to DIVORCE my WIFE FIRST," doesn't translate well. She wants money for her mommy and daddy too, poor things. Maybe she can bring them to live with her and my husband. Lots of Asian families all live together. Think what fun that would be for my husband!

Finally, to Things One and Two, I'd like to say this: Don't be angry at me for what you may read here. This is the only release I have. I love you girls. And I am more sorry than you will ever know for the complete and utter mess I've made of MY life, and your lives. And sorry for the fact that it isn't going to go away quickly. But it will get better. Eventually. I promise.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dear Internets,

I'm coming back....

Love, melodyann