Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Anyone for Chinese?

Well, well, well. Here we are. I sat for a while last night and stared at my blog. I missed it so. And then it came to me.... like an epiphany, only... you know, in a kind of, "oh my Jesus, it's fucking 1:30 in the morning, and I have to get up at 4:00!" kind of way.

I want to WRITE again. I don't care about what. God knows, nothing GLORIOUS ever sprang from my lips, no words of GREAT INSIGHT or INSPIRATION.

But I don't care. HMPFH. This is my blog, and I miss writing in it. And so now I'm going to do it some more.

And I'm not hiding under an assumed name, or a cartoon picture anymore either. Fuck that shit. What do I have to hide? Trust me, there's more going on out there in that great big world than what can be found here on my little corner of it.


How've you guys been? Didja miss me? I better get, like, 50 gazillion comments saying, "oh my heck YES, I was about to go out of my MIND from pining for you, melody!" Otherwise, I'm gonna pick one of you and come move in with you. And bring Things One and Two. And the dogs. And I might find Anny-Banany and bring her too. That would serve you right.

So, gosh, it's been so long since I've actually written anything that MATTERED, I don't know where to start....

You all know that I moved out of the house on November 10th. A lot of you probably know that I moved back in in the middle of December, when my boss decided "We are not running a half-way house, Melody."

So, yeah, I'm still there, at home, still looking for a place to live, or someone who will let me mooch off them. Neither is very easy to find in my hometown, let me tell you. West Virginia is full of mooch-ERS, not mooch-EES. I long to become a mooch-EE.

Oh! There's some interesting news for some of you, who might not have had to listen to me whine and cry and piss and moan in the last couple of months!

My husband went to China and had sexual relations with a 25 year old POSSIBLE Chinese hooker! Twice! See? Never boring around here, let me tell you.


For the past little bit, I've been so goddamned angry that I have completely lost control of my life. Some of you will think to yourself, "Bitch, you deserved it! Look what you've done to him!" And I can tell you, I don't disagree with you. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

And I will tell you, I'm not just angry about the sex. Although I am plenty angry about that, and I can be angry if I WANT to so SHUTTIE!

I'm angry because it didn't END there. Oh no, he didn't just have sex. This man, the man that I've been married to, controlled by, talked down to, rejected by, and generally FUCKED WITH for 25 years, has fallen in love.....

Whisper it, won't you..... he's fallen in love.... imagine birds singing gaily, and rose petals floating on a golden breeze....

And then picture this: a $1,100 PINK laptop computer, a $365 dollar Chinese-to-English pocket translator, $400 for a personal translator to TELEPHONE China and talk to said Chinese POSSIBLE hooker, $200 for a new cell phone, $100 for a new pair of tennis shoes, 2 new pairs of jeans (cost as yet undetermined) and 2 new t-shirts (cost as yet undetermined).

A goddamn pink laptop.

And you haven't even BEGUN to hear it all, internets. Because I. ordered. it. for. her.

Oh, yes, I did. I ordered her the pink laptop. I ordered the Chinese-to-English pocket translator. I found the website for the personal translator.

Because I believed him when he said, "I STILL have not done as much wrong as you. You owe me."

Thing Two said, "I feel like I live in some kind of alternate universe. My mom and dad are cheating on each other and helping each other do it." I didn't correct her by saying, "No, by God, no one helped me, thank you very much."

Thing One said, "You two are completely fucked up. Get my sister out of there before you ruin her."

The Chinese girl, who my darling daughters have dubbed Young Chow, wants to get married. Well, isn't that a surprise? She must REALLY love my husband, (and believe me when I say, internets, I use the term "my husband" as an identifier only, as I promised not to use his name on my blog. I don't keep ALL my promises, but this one I will keep.)

Anyway, Young Chow must REALLY be in love. Because she wants to get MARRIED. I guess, "I have to DIVORCE my WIFE FIRST," doesn't translate well. She wants money for her mommy and daddy too, poor things. Maybe she can bring them to live with her and my husband. Lots of Asian families all live together. Think what fun that would be for my husband!

Finally, to Things One and Two, I'd like to say this: Don't be angry at me for what you may read here. This is the only release I have. I love you girls. And I am more sorry than you will ever know for the complete and utter mess I've made of MY life, and your lives. And sorry for the fact that it isn't going to go away quickly. But it will get better. Eventually. I promise.


the planet of janet said...

welcome back, my friend. i have missed you desperately.

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

I'm glad you're back! And I'm stunned. A Chinese possible hooker? the hell?

Why are you helping him? There is no logic to that, whatever he says about who did what and who messed up first. Tell him to bugger off.

Burfica said...

OOO your back. I'm so excited I piddled a little.

I think you should let him have his little chinese bimbo, and as soon as she has her citizenship she can divorce him and take him for all he's got. hahahahhaha

Mike Todd said...

Boy, could I tell you some stories about possible Chinese hookers? No, I couldn't. But I'm really, really glad you're back, dude.

Deeg said...

I read your blog...ive checked it religiously hoping to see you again. You and I have oh so much in common...if you only knew...
you are so damn cute-really...i love the real picture of you far far more then the cartoony one. You are going to be still have a head about will find yourself and your way...

Anonymous said...

Welcome back. We missed you very much. Wish we could do something for you.

Ammie said...

Oh Mel, I'm so glad you are back. It's about time you got your ass back here, I've wondered what the heck was going on!

Anonymous said...

*skwees* I'm so glad you're back! I love you my non-lesbian lovah!

Bina said...

Yes! I missed you SO much! You have no freaking luck.

Having said that, what the fuck??? Your husband? A chinese hooker, who is 25 and has already admitted she wants money for her family? Is he freaking nuts? Does he not know that ALL chinese women want to come and live in America? Why does he think she is a hooker? SHE NEEDS MONEY! And don't let that ass tell you a damned thing about what you "owe" him. You owe him a kick in the ass and that's it. That little ..q2powe34r8a'skldjfalksjdf.

I couldn't write it. I just don't know what to say.

baseballmom said...

Okay, first of all, wOOt! So glad you're writing again, 'cause you know I checked every day. Second, I'da missed the shit outta you even more if you weren't on facebook, kicking my ass at word twist and lexulous, and C., I think your 'husband' needs a nickname, so you don't have to call him your husband any more, because he doesn't deserve that title. How about fuckhead? Or just SUCKAAAAHHHH-those horny chinesee hooker types are all about getting money and citizenship from their american sugar daddies, he'll find out! I think it's kinda poetic justice myself. OH, and make sure all of YOUR paychecks go into your OWN separate account, so his beeyatch can't spend all of your money.