Thursday, July 10, 2008

Crazier than a soup sandwich (I know you are, but what am I?)...

You know how sometimes I get all crazy and start deleting shit? I'm feeling that way again... Christ, I'm in a bad mood.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately... which generally gets me worked up in a bad way. I'm not so easy on myself when I "look in the mirror," whether literally, or figuratively. But sometimes I'm TOO hard on myself, forgetting that there ARE some good things about me, some things that I'm proud of, some things about myself I like.

So, I've decided to write this post about myself, to EXPLAIN who I really am, so to speak. Because sometimes the real me gets lost in the self pity and the fear and the anger and the depression.

You may agree with some of what I say. You may disagree with lots of it. You may have your own opinions, and you may or may not want to share them. I don't mind. Today, believe it or not, I am writing for ME, even though I am talking to YOU. And it will probably be a little disjointed, mixed up, angry and depressing. But somewhere, inside of me, there is some GOOD. No... there is LOTS of good. I know this. It's gotten lost in the shuffle maybe, but it's in there. And I aim to find it, and cherish it.

Because I have a goal. And it isn't to change who I am. It isn't to change how I live. It isn't to run away, or get a divorce, or live in another state. I don't know what the future holds for me, as far as my marital status. But one thing I am CERTAIN of, and I became certain of it YESTERDAY, when a mood so foul it knocked me on my ass came over me, completely out of the blue...

I have to learn to live within my own skin. No matter where I am. No matter who I'm with. I could leave, get a divorce, move away and find a job. But until I can see and recognize that goodness that I know is in me, where would the peace and contentment be? I could meet someone, fall in love, and try to live happily ever after. But until I find the strength within myself to COUNT on me, to CHERISH me, to BELIEVE in me, how will I ever be able to accept that I am deserving of love from someone else?

People go through difficult situations all the time. Some of them wallow in it, paralyzed by fear and acceptance, and lose bits of themselves until they become someone that they don't recognize. I am in real danger of that happening to me. And I don't want it to. I want to be one of the ones who doesn't let the bad touch them... doesn't let it change them... doesn't let it imprison them.

So, you see, at least for now... it doesn't matter where I am... I will not thrive in any environment at this present time. And it isn't anyone's fault but my own. And no one can fix it but me. You can come along for the ride, I surely would appreciate the company. And you can offer advice, and you can offer your own opinion, and you can offer support... I may not take your advice, and I may not ask for your opinion, but damned if I won't hang on to you for dear life, if I need to...

So let's begin to find out who I really am, shall we? And just for fun, let's start with something good...
_____________________________

I believe, with all my heart, in the power of laughter. If I go through a day without having laughed, a time or two... I feel that day is wasted. Time not well spent, and lost forever... At times I can be funny. One of the greatest joys in my life is making someone laugh. And I will go to great lengths to do it. Here on my blog, I have become decidedly UN-funny, and that's a damn shame. Some people don't understand my sense of humor. Those people are to be pitied, because they are idiots... Sometimes my brand of funny doesn't come across on paper or on my blog, as well as it does in person. Someone said it's all about INFLECTION, but I disagree, mainly because I am pissed off at that someone and wouldn't agree if they said the earth is ROUND.

I think it's all about the eyes... If you cannot look into someone's eyes when they speak, you cannot know exactly how they mean what they are saying, sometimes. And so, I might be extraordinarily funny one day, and no one will get it, because all they will see is my words. They will not see the twinkle in my eye, or the scrunching up of the laugh lines (of which I have plenty now that I'm in my 40's, believe me).

So, that person that thinks it's all about the INFLECTION can suck it, because they are dumber than a five pound bag of STOO-PID. And mean and unforgiving and hateful, but that's a whole 'nother story...

I don't have a twisted sense of humor, though the twisted can often be hilarious. Just ask Adam Avitable. My brand of funny is not slanted towards racial, ethnic, religion or sexual preference, though, to be fair, if it's funny, I'm going to laugh, no matter WHO it slams... Trust me, I laugh at myself much more often than I laugh at anyone else...

In summation, I have determined that I have a wonderful sense of humor. I love to laugh, and I love to make other people laugh. I have self-confidence, when it comes to funny. So, on your scoreboards, on the side of WHY I'M NOT A BIG OL' LOSER FUCKER HEAD, please write, (1) Loves to laugh, (2) Has healthy sense of humor, and (3) Can make other people laugh.

To be continued...

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow great post. I hope you continue. Please hang in there

Avitable said...

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs?

Cuntsuelo.

Let me know if you don't get it.

the planet of janet said...

hallelujah, sister.

baseballmom said...

Awesome post. I think everyone needs to think about the good things about themselves sometimes, and I'm way overdue too. I loved this!

Burfica said...

Miss Anne, I luvs ya you know!!! I've been along for the ride, and I'm still sticking with ya. Like a bad wart on your ass.

I understand what you mean about laughter, I feel the same way and I really love to make other people laugh.

Anywhoooo know I'm here, and with ya girlie!!!!

Big hugggsssssssss

francher said...

yabi, yabi, yabi .

Bina said...

I love reading your posts, and I laugh at them a LOT, cause I THINK I get your humor, even when you are pissed off. You are my kind of funny, and I'm a laugher as well. Can't wait to read more!

Dory said...

I love you, woman.