Sunday, March 8, 2009

The List...

I am a list maker. I love making lists. I make lists of books I want to buy, books I want to read, books I've already read. I make lists of songs I want to download, things I want to cook, places I want to go.

I generally never see these lists again.

Because I am also a LOSER of lists. I can make a list of things to buy at the grocery, and WATCH myself tuck it into my wallet, put my wallet into my purse, put my purse on my shoulder.

By the time I get to the grocery, the list is gone. I usually find it a week later, with a wad of gum tucked inside it.

Recent events have certainly necessitated the making of new lists.

And apparently, my LISTER is broken.

Because I can sit down with a pen, and two hours later, I have doodled my name 37 times, written a haiku, added some random numbers (you LOSE those math skills if you don't use them), and drawn 54 stick people.

But I cannot come up with a list to save my fat ass.

So, this morning, I was talking to a friend, and thinking, "What the hell am I going to do today?" He said something that I had no idea how to reply to, and so I let my mind wander....

"melodyann," I said to myself. "you've got to DO something today."

"fuck off," says melodyann. She can be SUCH a bitch, that melodyann.

"i'm SERIOUS," says I. "it's a beautiful day. you are reasonably clear headed, you have a MILLION things that need doing. you need a LIST."

"i don't do those anymore," quipped melodyann. "is there any more coffee? i need to pee. you're out of cigarettes. look how cute Cleo is. why don't you go lay down and cuddle with her? jeebus, your legs are hairy. what's for breakfast?"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed. "you're not paying attention! we need a LIST! Lists are good! they tell you what to do!"

"we could play scrabbbbbb-le," says melodyann. "you know how much you love scrabble... c'mon, just one little game. no one will know...."

But I remained firm. We need a list, me and melodyann. Because there is a very good chance we will be divorced in 22 days. And we are NOT prepared. And so I thought that making a list HERE might be a good idea, since I cannot doodle, draw stickmen OR add any numbers on my blog. *note to self: find some kind of math widget to add to blog.

Here then, is the first draft of my current ToDo List. Believe me when I tell you that it is in no certain order, and it's a VERY rough draft. Feel free to add anything you feel might be important.

1. Go buy cigarettes.

See. I'm already stumped. Perhaps I will try again AFTER I go buy cigarettes...


the planet of janet said...

seems to me i helped you stop smoking once...

if you did that again, you wouldn't need to put cigarettes on the list.

and THEN where would you be?????

baseballmom said...

2. Go kick baseballmom's ass in scrabulous and word twist on facebook.
3. Set boobie traps for the new chinese hookergirl.

Anonymous said...

2. Move in with Dory.
3. Buy non-lesbian lovah secret decoder rings.
4. Let Dory take you on a tour of all the best bars in Cedar Rapids.
5. Live happily ever after.


Bina said...

I love baseball mom's #3!

2. Get liquor/beer.
3. Kick loser's ass for being such an ass.
4. Move in with Dory and have fun!

Alekx said...

2. Buy beer to go with the cigarettes

3. Buy pizza to go with the beer and cigarettes.

I'm stumped from there.

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