Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Oh, the humanities.... how I hate them.

I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a good person.

I'm grouchy, and hateful. I'm lazy and fat. I'm depressed and unwilling to work to make my life better. I'm not a good friend, because friendship takes work, and I don't like work. I certainly haven't been a good wife, over the last 25 years.

There are many, many NOT good things about me.

But I will tell you something true. I have never in my life INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone. It is not in me to do so. My soon-to-be-EX husband would probably disagree with me. But he, as usual, would be wrong. I did not try to hurt him.

I am open about my life, about who I am, the mistakes I've made, and all the many things that are wrong with me. The reason I am this way is because I want to know right up front if the things about ME are things that YOU can live with. So I shower you with all the bad stuff. If you can handle that, I figure you're a keeper.

Probably that is not the best way to live. Because, let me tell you.... People lie. Why does this still surprise me? People will say to you, "I can handle all your quirks, I will be your friend no matter what." But it isn't true.... Because when the going gets tough, and with me, believe me, it gets tough, then they bail...

I'm filled with so much anger and disappointment right now, I'm not sure what to do with it all. And it isn't all about ONE thing. Oh, no. It seems like there's something new every single day that sends me right up to... and over... the edge.

I don't have control of my emotions. I don't have control of anything... I have never felt so completely helpless in my life. And it's not a good feeling. Not that I've ever felt like a strong and "in control" individual. No, I've pretty much felt insecure and incapable, for as long as I can remember.

I can't rant about it here. THAT'S one thing that is driving me bug fucking nuts. There's so much I want to say, so much I NEED to say, and my blog SHOULD be the place that I can say it. But I can't. Because I have to worry about what some OTHER people would think or feel should they read about the CRAP I'm feeling right now.

*sigh*

I have a secret blog. Only about 3 or 4 people know of it. And I guess I'm going to have to use THAT forum to get some of this venom out of me. Because I don't know what else to do. If I don't do SOMETHING to vent this rage, it's going to burn me alive. And then I will be CRISPY, dead melodyann....

For now, those of you who are my friends, please know that I AM, for the most part, ok. My hearing is Monday. I have found a place to live. Eventually, I KNOW that I will be better than I am at this moment.

love and stuff,

melodyann

10 comments:

Used*to*be*me said...

I'm glad you're doing well and that you have found someplace to live. Good luck at court and keep your chin up. Me

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are making progress in improving your life. I have been wondering how you were doing. Glad you are hanging in there. Hugs
Charliee

Dory said...

I love you, honey. Take care of you.

the planet of janet said...

you haven't chased me away yet, ya know.

love you, sweetie.

is it the secret blog that i know about or a different one?

baseballmom said...

Love you girl...
and i can't remember the secret blog-i deleted it because i thought it was history. I hope court is good and you can take one more step toward moving on, because no matter what? You ARE making your life better, right now, by getting rid of that man and his chinesee hooker.

baseballmom said...

Hey Mel, I forgot-I wanna send you a 'new' housewarming gift...a pick me up of sorts. Gimme your new address!

Bina said...

I love reading your rants, and I wish you could post them here, too. I posted one yesterday and my God, you would think that people thought I was asking for help, for answers, but no, I was just ranting and writing how I feel. Isn't that was this thing is about?

If you feel comfortable in doing so, email me your other blog site to bina64@gmail.com

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