Thursday, March 13, 2008

What? You don't think that's sexy?

Here are some conversations I've had recently that PROVE I'm old:

Me: I'm not going in the store.
Thing 1: C'mon! Please, mom?
Me: No! I brought you down here so YOU could go. I don't even have a bra on.
Thing 1: That's OK! Do that thing you do, where you pretend like you're cold? And cross your arms under them and hold them up!
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Thing 2: Did you just fix a wedgie, right here in the middle of Wal-Mart?
Me: How did you know?
Thing 2: Cause you did that little curtsy thing you do.
Me: I do a curtsy thing?
Thing 2: Yeah, and you did it right in front of that lady back there at the front. That's why she was grinning.
Me: There was a LADY back there?
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Thing 2: What time is it?
Me: I dunno.
Thing 2: Mom, look at the clock, for God's sake! It's right there!
Me: Why don't YOU look at the clock?
Thing 2: Cause that basket is in my way! Just tell me what time it is!
Me: (squinting) It's 13:23
Thing 2: Ah, shit, that's not funny! (raises up) It's 12:58 mom. Can you not SEE that? How can you not SEE that?
Me: I dunno.
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Boss: Why are you holding your arm like that?
Me: Cause my shoulder hurts like a motherfucker.
Boss: What did you do, lift something?
Me: No, it just started hurting.
Boss: (who is 78) Well, you ARE getting old. Things start to hurt.
Me: Are you wanting me to kill you?
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Brother 2: Hey sister! How are you feeling?
Me: Whaddya mean, how am I feeling? I'm feeling fine. What do you want?
Brother 2: A lot of women get grouchy when they get old, I'm glad to see it's not happening to you.
Me: Damn skippy.
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Thing 1: Oh God, you're doing that thing again. I know it's unreasonable, but I get so mad when you first get up and you're all, LIMPING and shit? Like, that really pisses me off...
Me: Dude, you get MAD because I'm stiff and it's hard for me to get going in the morning?
Thing 1: Oh yeah, I can't stand it. I can't even look at you, it makes me so mad. Damn, I hate old people.
Me: Well, YOU'RE a fucking charmer, aren't you?
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Thing 2: Who was that on the phone?
Me: Someone calling about my high school reunion.
Thing 2: Oh cool! How many years has it been?
Me: Twenty-five.
Thing 2: Wow! Are you gonna go?
Me: Good God, no. I hated all those fuckers in HIGH SCHOOL. Why would I want to see them now?
Thing 2: Well mom, that WAS a REALLY long time ago. You might like some of them now.
Thing 2: (walking away) A lot of them are probably dead by now anyway.
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Thing 1: Oh my God, did you see that? She almost hit that truck! I saw my life pass before my eyes!
Thing 2: Yeah, she can't drive for shit anymore.
Me: Hello? I'm right here! And I'm a good driver. Besides, I see both your asses jump in the car with me to go to the mall.
Thing 1: Old people shouldn't be allowed to drive.
Thing 2: True that...
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Husband: I think, when you turn 44, I'm going to trade you in on two 22 year olds. THEN I'll get to have some sex, maybe.
Me: They can have MY room, if they'll cook.
Husband: Oh, they'll cook, all right. In the bedroom.
Me: Yeah, but what will they do the OTHER 23 hours and 50 minutes of the day?
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7 comments:

Charliee100 said...

Hell jsut wait till you pass 50. Then things really take a downturn

Burfica said...

hahahahahah just a barrel of laughs there. lmao

Anonymous said...

you're not old till you've had a colonoscopy and the gallon and half of shitzer you must drink for 8hrs.

janet said...

why, miss ann! you're just a young'un, ya know!

Candygirlflies said...

And as the saying goes... why would any man want to piss off and disappoint two MORE women??

xo CGF

Hammer said...

I'm feeling it too. My kids are just more supportive of my codgerliness.

"Me: Good God, no. I hated all those fuckers in HIGH SCHOOL. Why would I want to see them now?"

What a coincidence! I just got an invitation to my reunion and I said those exact words verbatim!

Tom said...

Is he gonna bring a wok into the bedroom? Is he so freakin lazy that he can't even walk to the kitchen to eat?

Where is it that you make this trade? China? Russia? Alabama? I just wanna know where all us old people go when we get traded in.