Saturday, March 29, 2008

She didn't say what I THINK she said... did she?

So, I got a call on Sunday night from one of my mom's friends. I had not talked to this woman for at least 15 years, if memory serves. I had hoped to never have to talk to her again...

Suffice it to say she was not my favorite of mom's friends. However, my mom, generous spirit that she was, found something in her to like. And I have to admit, she was a completely different person with my mom than she was or is with anyone else.

The only thing my mom did not like about her was that she was a TERRIBLE gossip. One thing I will say about my mother, and it's something I strive for, but am ultimately not much good at, is that she NEVER EVER repeated gossip. She'd listen to if, if you wanted to tell her, but it went no further. That's why everybody and their grandmother trusted her, and she spent most of her life on the telephone, cigarettes and coffee close by, being subjected to the ugly rumours and most secret secrets of all and sundry.

At any rate, when my phone rang, I picked it up without bothering to look at the Caller ID. Here's the conversation we had: The responses I WISH I'd made are in red...

me: "hello?"

Irritating Friend of Mom (hereinafter referred to as IFOM): "Miss Ann? Is this Miss Ann Blank? (pre-married name)

me: "yes, it is..." (oh dear God in Heaven, please do not let this be who it sounds like it is.)

IFOM: "Hello Miss Ann. This is IFOM. Do you remember me?"

me: "Of course, how are you? It's been a very long time.." (but not nearly long enough. And thank you, God in Heaven, for subjecting me to this. Just another reason to be angry at you.)

IFOM: "Yeah, it has. *annoying laugh* I was just thinking about your family and thought I'd call you. So you married HUSBAND THROPE, did you?"

me: "I certainly did. Twenty-four years ago last Sunday, as a matter of fact."(huh-uh. I just took the name, because it's so much BETTER than my pre-married name.)

IFOM: "huh. That's something. Lot's of young people don't stay together that long."

me: *silence* (well, I wouldn't have either, but I'm trapped in HELL)

IFOM: "So how have you been? Are you working?"

me: "Yes. I work for Anonymous Attorney." (if it's any of your business, which it's not.)

IFOM: "I've heard of him. He's getting up there in years, isn't he?

me: "Yep. He's like, 113 now." (and how old are YOU now, Bride-of-Frankenstein?)

IFOM: *annoying, braying laugh* "Well, I doubt THAT!"

me: "Ha." (it was a joke, you stupid cow.)

IFOM: "So how's your dad?"

me: "He's doing well, he lives in..."

IFOM: *interrupting* "Florida. Yes, I know."

me: *silence* (Please don't interrupt me when I am speaking, you rude bitch.)

IFOM: "Is he still shacked up with that woman?"

me: "Yes." (shacked UP? Do people still use that phrase?)

IFOM: "Why do people do that? The bible speaks plainly against it, but EVERYBODY's gotta shack up these days. Marriage isn't good enough for anybody."

me: "I dunno..." (nor do I care, you judgmental ASSHAT.)

IFOM: "Brother 2 is divorced now, isn't he?"

me: "Yup." (and better off, in my most humble opinion.)

IFOM: "I hated to hear that. Is he doing ok?"

me: "Yup." (I would yank out my teeth with a staple-puller before I'd discuss Brother 2's problems with you...)

IFOM: "And how is Brother 1? Is he gettin' along all right?"

me: "He's great. He's married again, and has a beautiful little girl. And his older daughter has a baby of her own now. She's four. And a more beautiful child you will never see." (especially since you live at the ass-end of a dirt road to NOWHERESVILLE: pop. 1 old bitch.)

IFOM: "Huh. She has a baby? How old is she?"

me: "I think she is about 25." (Oh, let's hear your views on THIS, please.)

IFOM: "Is she married?"

me: "No." (She's SHACKIN' UP, donchaknow...)

IFOM: "Is she shackin' up, then? Kids these days. They don't NEED to be married, they just shack up with anyone, and then move on to the next one, when things get rough."

me: "Yup."
(Oh, God, please let it end....)

IFOM: "So, where are you going to church?"

me: "I don't go to church." (which is ALSO none of your business. So please don't ask me why not.)

IFOM: "Why not?"

me: "I just don't." (I hate you.)

IFOM: "You should be in church."

me: "Hmm..." (I double hate you.)

IFOM: "Did you know my daughter died?"

me: "Oh. Wow. No, I didn't. I'm sorry." (She probably died to get away from you, you sanctimonious, self-righteous bucket of SUCK)

IFOM: "Yeah, it's been two years now. But she's better off dead. That man she was married to put her through hell."

me: "Hmmm.." (She's better off dead? Did you just say that? Maybe I misunderstood, and you didn't just say YOUR DAUGHTER IS BETTER OFF DEAD.)

IFOM: "Do you miss your mom?"

me: "Every minute of every day. For the last seventeen plus years." (why no, I don't miss her at all! Why, I danced on her grave at the funeral? Don't you remember? I was the big fat PREGNANT one, doing the Texas two step on her CASKET. I TRIPLE HATE YOU, YOU HORRIBLE OLD BOWL OF THREE-DAY-OLD FUCK.)

IFOM: "I have a tape with your mom's voice on it. You're on it too. And your dad."

me: "Really?" (You've told me this before. I don't care. I hope we were talking shit about you on it.)

IFOM: "You know, if you EVER wanna see your mother again, what you have to do, don't you?"

me: *stunned* "I'm sorry? What did you say?" (She didn't just say, what I think she did... did she?)

IFOM: "I SAID, if you ever wanna see your mother again, you know what you have to do."

me: *silence* (um, DIE? Convince God to let YOU take her place? What the fuck is the right answer here? Oh yes, I forgot. You are a FreeWiller. YOU think I should drag my fat, sinful ass back down that church aisle, throw myself on the altar, and plead with the good Lord above to RESAVE me, don't you?)

IFOM: "Blah. Blahblahblah blu-ah...."

me: "uh-huh..." (DID she REALLY just tell me that I'll never see my mother again? Could even SHE be that nasty? Why the fuck am I listening to this? Why am I not hanging up on her? Why can't I just tell her to SHUT HER VILE, EVIL MOUTH?)

IFOM: "bla-BLAH, blah blahblblblblblblblbaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh. hahahahahahahaha!"

me: "Huh..." (I quadruple hate you. I hope someone boils you in a vat of fetid whale intestines. I hope when you die, the worms won't even EAT you! I hope when you die, you find out there is no GOD and you just spend eternity in NOTHINGNESS!!)

IFOM: "Well I guess I'll go now."

me: "Ok, then. Thanks for calling." (Thanks? THANKS? I hate you too, you weak, spineless jellyfish of a woman-wannabee)

IFOM: "You've probably got my number on Caller ID. Call me sometime."

me: "Ok." (not even if my guts were on fire, and you were standing five feet away with a bucket of water.)

IFOM: "Bye."

me: *click*

me: *whispering* "Mom? I WILL see you again some day. I will...."


Alekx said...

Give me the old cows number I'll call her silly ass. Give me 5 minutes. Within 2 she'll never call and preach at you again. Promise.

I told my mom to find your mom and tell her keep the beer cold, the coffee hot and the couchs warm we'd be there when we could.


baseballmom said...

HAHAHAHAAHAHAAA! You fucking kill me, woman. What a self-righteous, nosy old bitch! I love your red responses...don't you wish you could think of those things at the time it's happening to you? I hate thinking later what I should have said. Also, my grandpa and grandma will be right with your moms on those couches, and we'll rock the house when we get there! OH, and laugh at that bitch for being stuck outside the gates for all the shitty stuff she said to you!

Sleeping Mommy said...

So what was the purpose for that biddy calling you? To tell you to repent and get right with Jesus so you can see your mother? REALLY?

I hate people like that. HATE THEM with such bile, I can't even express it.

Burfica said...

oh Miss Ann. You will definatly see your mom again, don't you worry.

I vote you go write her number on every bathroom wall you can find. hahahahahaha see how many calls she gets then.

I had a "friend" of mom's try calling me and telling me how much she loved her and all this crap after she passed. After 2nd call the lady doesn't call or e-mail anymore.

EC said...

Damn girl, I'm sorry... who the hell does she think she is? What a bitch!!

Next time, if there is a next time and hopefully there won't be, hang up on her!!

Lowlife, thoughtless, wench that she is :(

Bina said...

I've been around some blogs I have never seen before, and you are one of the lucky ones!

I love this post. It's my kind of humor and wit and I will definitely be back!

Mr Lady said...

Oh my god, dude. That's insane.

Anonymous said...

oh no she DIH-ENT.

I am so telling Jesus on her.

Jen said...

Holly Hell....well isn't she a self righteous bitch!

Crys said...

oh you definitely will see her again. i'm not so sure IFOM will, though, and that's probably appropriate.