Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sphincter apologizes, but is he just blowing smoke?

I'm sure most of you know that I hate the news. I hate it anywhere I see it, newspaper, TV, magazines, the internet... but sometimes you just can't avoid seeing it.

The other day, as I was preparing my chubby little boss' lunch (I do this because he has MS and it would take him 7 hours to do it himself), I happened to glance down at the newspaper as I put it beside his plate.

Seems like some governor was apologizing for his involvement in a prostitution scandal. His name, as you all surely know, is not Sphincter but Spitzer, but for the purposes of this post, believe me, Sphincter works well enough.

My first thought, on seeing the headline, "Sphincter Apologizes for Involvement in Prostitution Ring" was, "Oh give me a fucking break. Sure, he's sorry. AFTER he got caught!"

Don't you just get so fucking tired of celebrity apologies? From Hugh Grant's mumbled apology on The Tonight Show, to Mel Gibson's ridiculous request for the Jewish community to help him on his road to recovery, to Michael Richards' "I'm not racist, that's what's so insane about this." From Don Imus' apology to an entire basketball team, John Rocker's apology to the people of New York City, to Bill Clinton's apologies to the entire nation, to Mark Foley's "I can't help it, I'm gay and I was abused" apology, I think this country has seen and heard enough.

You know what I think? I think I'd like to see some REAL apologies. Apologies that don't come from the "Oh Shit, I got caught!" mentality. America wants to hear you apologize for something IT DOESN'T YET KNOW YOU DID. Accept the responsibility and the blame for your own actions.

Because my middle name is "show 'em how it's done," I'm here to get the ball rolling with some apologies of my own:

  1. To an old friend: I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me to be. I'm sorry for standing so tall and noble and upright, glorying in my own innocence, while you paid the high price you paid for what you did. No one is that innocent. Least of all me.
  2. To a new friend: I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while. I'm sorry that I was self-righteous and self-pitying, feeling neglected by you, when you are working like a dog to better yourself and your family.
  3. To a bitter, bald friend: I'm sorry that I demand that you listen when I need to talk, and then I resist your best efforts to help me. I am sorry that I intrude on your life, with nothing to give in return.
  4. To a warm and loving friend: I'm sorry that you repeatedly have to scrape me, hysterical and incoherent, off the floor and put me back together. For things that are my own fault. And then I go right back out and do them again. I'm sorry that I don't tell you more often how much you mean to me.
  5. To a nearly anonymous friend: I'm sorry that I ask more of you than you can give. I'm sorry that I don't do enough for you. I'm sorry that I am so exhausting.
If you're reading this, leave an apology for someone. I can't be the only sorry individual on the internet... (wait, did that come out right? you KNOW what I mean, dang it!) If you find you have nothing to be sorry for? Leave a message of forgiveness. Let someone know you are ready to bury the hatchet. (incidentally, you may not bury the hatchet in anyone's cranium, just in case you didn't already know that)

If you have nothing to be sorry for and nothing to forgive? You are a big hot steaming bowl of SUCK. And you lie. So apologize for that.


Kirsten said...

Dear Complicated....I'm sorry I suck at replying to emails!

Love you!

Anonymous said...

Dear husband - I'm sorry I allowed you to go crazy wondering what happened to the kitchen sponge all those years ago - even to the point that you thought someone broke into our home and stole the sponge. I threw that nasty, germ-infested thing away because you insisted on swiping it all over my countertops and it was gross. Sorry.

Mitchell said...

I'm sorry I put my head in one side of yur lane bryant thingy.

baseballmom said...

To my old friend, I'm sorry we lost touch, and never talk anymore because life gets in the way and we don't have time, and to you, miss complicated, I'm sorry I'm not on your blogroll...whut gives?

Burfica said...

I'm sorry I invested over 2 years into a friendship I thought was true, to have that person at the first fight we have yell at me and delete me from everything in their life.

lu said...

to a friend that i thought i had lost forever:

i am sorry that i have been so busy and even when i am not busy i havent taken the time to catch up with you...i miss you...i will be finished with school in about 6 weeks.

we have a lot of catching up to me...send a smoke signal...i am here...right where you left me! ;)

Dory said...

To A Wonderful Friend: I'm sorry this is the first time I made it over here because I forgot to put you in my google reader. This task has been completed. Can you ever find it in your sweet, funny, funny, funny heart to forgive me? Because I am a big hot steaming pile of SUCK.
p.s. You're lovely and astute and a gentlewoman and a scholar.