Monday, September 1, 2008

Suffering fools uneasily....

I've got a real problem with stupid people. I don't mean the kind of person who has a legitimate learning disability. I don't mean developmentally disabled people.

What I mean is "educated" people (and I use that term LOOSELY) who have no fucking idea how stupid they are....

The kind of person, who, when you say to them, "Your father's GODDAMN will HAS to be probated, you pig-fucking hillbilly!" (sans, of course, the words Goddamn, pig-fucking, and hillbilly), he says, "NUH-UH! HE LEFT EVERYTHING TO MOM!! It's all HERS!!"

...

*sigh*

...

The kind of person who stands at the dinner table and says, "Yeah, I hate niggers, they took away all my rights!"

And you say, "Oh for the love of all things tiny, holy, and Jesus-like. What rights have you lost because of ANYONE?"

And he says, "Just you wait. They'll take yours too, Missy."

And you say, "HA! I laugh at your face! Your brother-in-law already took away all mine."

...

*sigh*

...

I live on an idiot farm. And the idiots have run amok....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

So, I go to the doctor on Friday and I'm sitting on the exam room table, naked as the day I was born, only many, many pounds larger, when my doctor walks in.

"Good morning, Miss Anne, how are you?" he says in his caring doctor voice.

And I promptly burst into tears. "Waaaaah! My head hurts! It's been hurting for weeks! My eyeballs are trying to pop themselves out of my eyes, my brain is trying to ooze out my ears, my husband wants to divorce me, my father-in-law just died, my kids are complete bitches, and I miss my mother! Waaaaah!"

He sits back in his chair and says, "Tell me about the headache..."

You gotta love a doctor who can sift through that kind of shit-storm.

Apparently, I now have high-blood pressure. But my doctor thinks it COULD be due to stress. (Um... DUH?) And so I have to be rechecked in 3 weeks. At that time, if it's still high, I will have to go on blood pressure meds.

Thing 1 made it home safely, and so did my niece, who I adore. Friday was a good, good day, with the exception of the aforementioned doctor appointment.

Saturday was a whole 'nother story....

Which I don't actually care to talk about, except to say, I do not understand how making myself into a doormat for my children could created in them such disdain and utter contempt. Most of the time, I'm so proud of my girls and their wonderful senses of humor, their fabulous minds, their sweetness and beautiful spirits. However, at times, (possibly it's the full moon?) they turn into raving BITCHES, whom I could cheerfully run over with my car.

And so it was on Saturday, when I spent a good part of the day in the cemetery, boo-hoo-ing like a hobo.

And so it was on Sunday morning, when I had been yelled at, in no particular order, by the husband, the eldest daughter, the youngest daughter. Even the fucking dogs had barked meanly at me.

And I cried again.

And my head hurt. Sweet Crispy Jeebus, I can't even describe to you the pain. I was ready to hang it up, give up the ghost, buy the farm, and blah-blah-blah....

I can't sleep. I wake up approximately every two hours... go pee. Stand an moan at the sonic boom and it's aftershock going on inside my head. Smoke a cigarette. Check my email. Smoke again. Go back to bed. Spend an hour trying to get to sleep. Do it all again 2 hours later.

My she wolves and my husband had me in tears before nine o'clock this morning.

I determined to pack my shit TODAY, and move into my office this evening. My boss will be gone for the next two weeks, so maybe I could get some rest?

Then I thought, "No. I'll go to the only place where I can get REAL rest. Where else on earth would I even consider going except to Mitch?"

And then I remembered that I have a job. A job where I have no more vacation days. And a bankruptcy sitting on my desk that will require at least a week to finish.

And then I began to feel trapped, like a rat. And I began to feel like I was drowning. And so I did the only thing I know to do under such circumstances. I went back to bed.

I truly am at a loss here. I go out of my way to try to do EVERYTHING anyone asks of me, even the HUSBAND, to keep things peaceful and running smoothly. I've spent myself into a pool of debt that resembles the mighty Mississippi trying to keep up with what my girls want. I make phone calls for them. I make appointments for them. I fix things that are broken, I step into situations they can't (or, more typically, WON'T) handle. In short, I'm busting my fat ass trying to please everyone in my family.

And in return, they despise me.

My daughter said she couldn't STAND me. My daughter said I was WORTHLESS and USELESS and a LIAR.

My husband said he wants me OUT, but wait, maybe not, but yeah, get the fuck out of here, but wait, if you will STOP fucking around with the MEN you can stay, but no, I can't forgive you, just leave.... But you go with nothing and I will never EVER be able to let you be happy. Don't try to date anyone, don't try to fall in love, don't try to have FRIENDS. Because I will ruin it, I will ruin YOU, I will ruin any chance you have at happiness. But I probably won't kill you.

My friends say Go! Get out of that madhouse! You are worth more than that! You deserve a life! You deserve to be happy! We support you!

My family says, "Come to us! We love you! We will help you, comfort you, take care of you, let you rest. We LOVE you!"

My brain tells me, "If you don't do SOMETHING, you are going to die. You are going to STROKE the fuck OUT, and dying is not something that you can fix, Miss Fix-it."

And my heart... my poor broken, weary, terrified, shrunken heart says to me, "I don't care what you do, but don't hurt me anymore...."

....

*sigh*

....

I wasn't going to do this today. I had a snappy, perky post all ready about HOW I CANNOT TOLERATE BUT JUST SO MUCH STUPIDITY, JUST SO MANY FOOLS. It would have made you smile. It could have elicited a quirky little chuckle. It probably would have made you laugh till you spit some sort of food or liquid onto the face of your computer screen. It most assuredly would have made you pee a little.

But apparently, I am the fool here. I am the moron frozen in indecision. I am the idiot with a sign on her back that says, "Please, I"m not down yet, go ahead and kick me."

....

*sigh*

....

I'm going back to bed... Happy Labor Day, Internets....

Miss Anne would love you, if she had it in her....

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow my heart goes out for you. I feel as if you are mentally drowning. I wish we vould throw you a life preserver somehow. Hang in there and hang on. Fist thing is quit doing everything for the girls.
Charliee

Amy said...

Your blog is the saddest story I've ever read. I wish it was fiction. I hope you find happiness one day but I think you're going to have to make some painful decisions first.

baseballmom said...

God, girl...I am not going to pretend to know what you're going through, but on the doing things for ungrateful people thing...I totally hear ya. My kids need to go back to school, and my husband needs to QUIT taking vacation days, especially a week at a time. I am so sick of PEOPLE. Fucking A, I need a beer or something. Care to join me?

Barb said...

Yep, sounds to me like you will have to make some important decisions....and soon. Keep your head up! :)

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Oh Miss Anne. I can relate to this on a few levels, most immediately the teenage daughter thing. I know that thing where you do everything, spend everything, pick up every dropped ball, and they are pissed that you didn't do or buy or solve some other thing. They are wretched. And it will pass. Hang in there with them. Their evil will subside as they mature.

On the husband, I don't know your situation, but I do know that you should be married to someone with character. Someone who will treat you with respect and dignity. If that isn't happening, it's hard to ever be happy.

Thinking of you -- *HUGS*

Vee said...

I don't know where I heard this but it went something like this: If you give (or do) everything for your children and then one day you can't give (or do) it because you're sick or you don't have the time or energy, you shouldn't be shocked when they get pissed because that is how you've trained them to be.

You have momements of brilliance in your blog. So, I'm sure you have moments of brilliance in your everyday life. I suspect you know what to do, but you're afraid of making the decision that you know is the right thing for you.

I believe that life is relatively simple. We complicate it by overthinking. I wonder if when you think of leaving for good you start feeling sorry for your husband and you decide to stick around another day to help him?

Bina said...

Okay, my husband doesn't treat me that way, but my kids......

My daughter actually told me she loves her "almost step-mom" more than she loves me. Granted, she' five, but still I cried the rest of the night.

And I've been crying today, cause you know why? NO ONE CARES ABOUT ME!!!!

I care about other's do things for them, try to make them happy, and there is no me. It's all them.

Bina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ms Batman said...

I have lived in your shoes. I have been in your head (so to speak). I have been so ready to go, with nowhere to go and no energy to get there. No desire to stay, breathing takes more effort than you can muster up and yet, you breathe.

Inaction is easier, because action takes effort and effort takes energy and well, that's all expended on breathing. But inaction does not change anything. Change takes effort and energy, but in the change there is strength, and hope, and survival.