Thursday, September 4, 2008

Thirty-Fourteen Things....

In honor (or perhaps in horror) of the fact that I will soon be thirty-fourteen, and doesn't that just sound BETTER than forty-four?, here are a few things you may or may not know about me--

1. I was born on November 8, 1964.

2. I was born in Chicago, IL. I've never been back there, but it's one of the things on my list of "Places I'd Like to See Before I Die of Fatness."

3. I learned to read when I was four years old. I didn't go to kindergarten. My brother Mark taught me to read. I never read kid's books. Except for the Bobbsey Twins. I sooo had the hots for Burt.

4. No books were ever off limits for me. I've never made any be off limits to my children either.

5. I love words. I love to read them, I love to speak them, write them, sing them, and listen to them spoken to me. I love to manipulate them into something that, hopefully, says something people like to hear.

6. I have opinions, but I don't think I'm pushy. I am a firm believer in the "let's agree to disagree" mindset.

7. I have a pink-puffy-hearted love for scrambled egg sandwiches with ketchup.

8. I have changed so much during my lifetime that I often don't have any idea who I am anymore. Not all the changes are bad. Most of them are not good.

9. I have a terrific need to have someone in my life who ADMIRES me. This is often in direct conflict with my husband's need to have NO ONE in my life who admires me. And this might be due to the fact that I'd rather the person admiring me be a member of the male population. I can't help it, I like men. I like it when they like me. So sue me. Or... you know... divorce me.

10. Currently, my favorite television shows are Prison Break and House. I am also diggin' Bones. haha. I made a funny.

11. I like puzzles and word games, and by LIKE I mean that I am obsessed to the point of OCD about them. I am very good at Word Twist... aren't I, Janet? hehe I have several Sudoku books strewn about the house and my office, so that I am never more than four or five feet away from a puzzle, should the need to place numbers in boxes arise. And it does, more often than you know.

12. The safest place in the world for me is with Mitch and Miss Katie. My first instinct, when things get bad, is to run to them. Since the whole DIVORCE thing came up, they've BOTH called me to remind me I am welcome. My safe place is ready for me, whenever I need it.

13. My mother died of brain cancer 18 years ago this November 22. I am not "over" her death yet. I don't think I ever will be. However, something inside of me let go of something this year, because I do not feel that same terrible, horrible ache that always fills me in the fall of the year. For that, I am eternally grateful.

14. I am scared of moths. And Jell-0.

15. Janet reminds me so much of my mother sometimes that I get all misty-eyed. Except that she says Fuck alot. I believe God sent her to me. It ALMOST makes me not mad at Him anymore. Almost.

16. I have a raging, pitch-black fear of death. And of dying alone. And of my children finding me alone, and dead.

17. I have a coffee mug that says, "I see STUPID people." It is my favorite mug. One of my favorite fantasies is of me, drinking poison, from my "I see STUPID people" mug. It never fails to make me smile.

18. I am not vain in any way. Except sometimes, about my hair. I can't help it. I've got great hair.

19. My favorite perfume is Princess, by Vera Wang. Mitch and Kate bought it for me for Christmas. Dear Mitch and Kate: I need more. I have about four sprays left. K, thx, bye. Love, Mel.

20. I am not political. I do not vote. I do not care. I am a registered Republican only because it drove my father-in-law batshit crazy. I miss my father-in-law.

21. I want to learn sign language.

22. I have committed many sins in my lifetime. I have forgiven myself for most of them. I am only human. I will probably commit many more before I die. Of FATNESS.

23. I do not like green eggs and ham. I know this, because I ordered it from IHOP once. Eggs and ham should never be green, that's all I'm sayin'.

24. I do love pancakes. And how. Hence, the terrible FATNESS. I think people who tear their pancakes into little strips and DUNK them in syrup should be drawn and quartered. I will not mention any names, Thing 1 and Thing 2.

25. I am a fairly good cook. This was not always so. I used to be PROUD of my ability to NOT BE a good cook. I used to brag that if it didn't come in a can, a box, or a bag, we wouldn't be serving it at MY house.

26. That was before my mother got sick. I learned to cook for her. She didn't like things that came from cans, boxes, or bags.

27. I now make the world's BEST cornbread. I should be getting my award from the WORLD anyday now...

28. I miss having acrylic nails. I miss having manicures and pedicures. I miss getting MASSAGES. If my husband hadn't met my nail guy and realized he wasn't gay AFTER ALL, I would still be getting my manicures, pedicures and massages. Dammit.

29. Come to think of it, I REALLY REALLY want my nails back. Dear Mitch and Kate: My birthday is coming soon. I really, really want fingernails. K, thx, bye. Love, Mel.

30. I used to be afraid to drive. That is because Husband told me I would never make it anywhere alive. I proved him wrong by driving to Georgia. haha, Husband. You forgot that I LAUGH in the face of adversity.

31. I miss my daddy. I want to go see him, but I have no vacation days left. Damn, and double damn.

32. I just ordered a copy of the movie Bad Ronald. If it doesn't scare the shit out of me, I want my money back.

33. I have a book fetish. I have hundreds of books. I have not read all of them. I keep buying more. I will not part with even one. Husband hates them. I don't care. He hates me too. I still don't care.

34. I don't like people, as a general rule.

35. I really like having general rules.

36. If I could live anywhere, anywhere in the world that I wanted to live, I would live in North Carolina, near the ocean.

37. I truly hate and despise West Virginia.

38. I do not read the news. Nor do I listen to it on TV or Radio. It depresses me.

39. I believe in God. I am just currently mad at Him.

30-10. Another of my favorite daydreams is to go on a nationwide vacation, visiting blogging friends in every state. If I ever win the lottery, or inherit a buttload of money, I'm going to do that.

30-11. I have an ache inside where Luann used to be. I miss her. I miss talking to her. I miss her "sigh"-ing at me. Dammit.

30-12. I want a new camera. I don't even know WHERE my old one is. Probably Anna-Banana stole it to take naked pictures of herself to give to Husband.

30-13. I wish he'd marry her.

30-14. The person who said, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself" obviously never met Husband. Or, never had a brother who claimed to put bb's in his cereal. I'm just sayin'.


mitchell the hung wun said...

I miss my sissy and her adavan.

Avitable said...

Prison Break? Really? Gah.

the planet of janet said...

30-15. you should totally talk to me more.

30-16. and you should totally move to cali.

Burfica said...

I want to learn sign language too. And how the heck is a scrambled egg sandwich possible??? don't the little fluffy pieces of egg fall out of the bread???

Although I do love the bacon egg and cheese sandwiches that hubby makes.

I still cook things from boxes and bags, I'm a pretty dam good cook too. At least that's what they tell me. hehehehehe

And what the hell kind of psycho tears their pancakes in strips and dips them??? gaaaahhh

Prison Break and Bones baby...whoooooohooooooooo

Lu said...


now you went and made me feel bad.

i am still fragments.

Bina said...

Wow! Great list! And you know what? I have the SAME mug! I bought one for me and my friend, and mine is sitting right here!

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

Good list!

6, 9, and 37 would be on my list too.

ame i. said...

Bobbsey Twins, oh yeah!! Almost as good as the Trixie Belden mysteries.
born in '68, twas I.

Barb said...

Love how you interpet numbers. 30-14 now that's funny.

Interesting list. I find you quite amuzing and entertaining.

Has anyone ever told you you are NOT as "fat" as you might think?

And last but not least, you DO have bea-u-ti-ful hair! :)

Eileen said...

I love your list, I love your honesty and I like you.

Sarah said...

Why all the hate for West Virginia?

Kate said...

Please start writing again!

OldHorsetailSnake said...

That part about the black death, alone. That probably won't happen, so you might as well take that off your list.