Tuesday, September 2, 2008

In the face of ADVERSITY....

UPDATE: I found this in my drafts this morning, and wondered WHY IN THE HELL DID I NOT POST THIS? And then I remembered... Oh yeah, this was JUST before Papaw died.... So, here for your perusal, is further proof of my vast and superior bravery in the face of ADVERSITY...


So, I wake up yesterday morning, happy as a bug in a rug...

Ok, not so much HAPPY as, say, NOT MISERABLE... which is a mighty improvement if I do say so myself. And I do.

I spend my time packratting on Facebook, and beating the SHIT out of Janet at WordTwist, (*note to Jenni* I want a REMATCH!!) and then I go get ready for work. All is well in my world.

And then I go to get some ice out of the freezer, and notice that ALL OF THE ICE SEEMS TO BE MELTING.

.....

This can't be good.

.....

I take a deep breath and decide that I will not let ADVERSITY rule me, thank you very much. Because I have a secret weapon. I have ANNA. The wonder cleaner. HA! I laugh in the face of adversity!! I finish getting ready, write a note to Anna that says, "Dear Anna, The fridge seems to be dying. Please take everything out and move it to the fridge in the garage. Thank you."

And off I go to work.

When I get to work, I remember that Husband has the ONLY REMOTE CONTROL for the garage, because apparently I cannot be trusted in a giant room full of tools and old cars, and I'm going to need to make arrangements for Anna to get the remote.

Not a problem. I LAUGH in the face of adversity, right? HAHA, adversity... HAHA.

I call Husband and tell him I will send Anna by to pick up the remote, because the fridge is dying. And we have a mini-conversation:

Husband: How do you know the fridge is dying?

Me: It left a suicide note.

Husband: What?

Me: Never mind. I know it is dying because everything in the freezer is MELTING.

Husband: Did you check to see if it's plugged up?

Me: Gosh, I never thought of that! Gee, I bet that's the problem! No, you doink, I didn't check to see if it's plugged up! The lights are working. The FAN is working.

Husband: Did you check the controls? Maybe somebody screwed with the controls.

Me: Ooops, I forgot to tell you, I got bored last night and decided to fuck with the fridge controls, just to see what would happen. Jesus. Are you trying to tell me you don't think I have enough sense to know when the FUCKING refrigerator is DYING?

Husband: Maybe the freezer door wasn't shut tight.

Me: HUSBAND! LISTEN CAREFULLY! EVERYTHING ON THE MOTHERFUCKING REFRIGERATOR IS SHUT TIGHT, PLUGGED IN, AND UN-SCREWED WITH! IT'S DYING!!! ALL OF OUR FOOD IS MELTING INTO A WARM PUDDLE OF GOO!

Husband: Ok, call Anna, and tell her to come get the remote.

I slam down the phone. Ok, not really because I was on my cell, but I SLAMMED my finger on that END button, let me tell you...

.....

And then I realized I don't have Anna's number.

.....

Fuck.

.....

I call Husband back and tell him I don't know Anna's number. And we have THIS conversation:

Husband: um.... it's 555... 29999.

Me: That's too many numbers.

Husband: What?

Me: That's too many numbers! You said the last FOUR numbers were 29999.

Husband: Right. 29999.

Me: That's 5.

Husband: What the hell are you talking about? There's no 5. It's 29999.

Me: My God, this is like a Vaudeville act. A bad one.

Husband: Goddammit, I don't have TIME for this. I'm WORKING.

Me: As opposed to me, who is in a TALENT CONTEST today, here in my office.

Me: Listen, you gave me too many numbers. What are the last FOUR fucking numbers of her phone number? And why the fuck do you know her number anyway?

Husband: This is ridiculous. The first one is a TWO. The rest are nines. I gotta go, bye.

*Click*

.....

I spend ONE minute contemplating whether I should call him back and hang up on HIM, because HE KNOWS I HATE IT WHEN HE HANGS UP FIRST.

Then I spend ONE minute contemplating why the fuck my husband knows the CELL phone number of our cleaning lady when *I* don't know it, and I'm a number FREAK.

Then I remember that I LAUGH in the face of adversity, HAHAHAHA.

And I call Anna.

.....

Who is in Florida.

.....

Of course! Where ELSE would she be?

.....

Our office manager came into my office when I started to beat myself in the head screaming, "I LAUGH in the face of ADVERSITY!!!!"

She tells me to take the day off, go home, fix the problem, rest, rejuvenate my soul, and come back bright eyed and bushy tailed tomorrow. She already cleared it with the boss. Go. GO!

So, I do....

I drive to Husband's work to get the remote. He has no choice but to give it to me, because the FRIDGE is dying. I make a mental note to move some of his tools around and leave BABY footprints with the side of my fist in the dust on the floor in front of his bathroom. (have you ever done that? the baby footprint thing? I will take a picture later and show you. It's AWESOME.)

And then I drive home.

.....

Where I discover that I am locked out of the house. Because ANNA has my key.

.....

And Anna is in Florida.

.....

Fuck.

.....

So I walk to the back of the house, where we keep the SPARE key.

.....

Only it's not there.

.....

And then I remember that it's not there, on account of it's laying on my DESK in the LIVING ROOM, because I didn't take it back LAST WEEK when I got locked out of the house.

.....

I start to giggle.

.....

And then I remember that Thing 2 has a key! HAHAHAHA, adversity, HAHAHAHA!!!

I drive to the high school, where Thing 2 is currently running laps in the hot sun on the parking lot of the high school. Which she is NOT supposed to be doing, because of the HEADACHES.

I get her attention and tell her to come over to my car. And we have THIS conversation:

Me: Why are you running?

Thing 2: Because everyone else is running.

Me: If everyone else ran over the side of a mountain, would you do that too?

Thing 2: Mom, why are you here?

Me: You are not supposed to be running! Do I need to see Mr. Band Director and tell him you are not to run?

Thing 2: Mom, don't you dare embarrass me. Why are you here?

Me: Do you have a headache?

Thing 2: Yeah.

Me: *sigh*

Me: I need your key to the house. I am locked out. The fridge is dying.

Thing 2: Maybe it's unplugged.

Me: HOLY MOTHER OF THE TINY LITTLE 8 POUND, 8 OUNCE LORD BABY JESUS!! IT IS NOT UNPLUGGED. MAY I PLEASE HAVE THE KEYS SO I CAN GET INTO THE HOUSE?

Thing 2: They are locked in the bandroom. I can't get to them til we go inside.

Me: HAHAHA, HAHAHA, HAHAHA

Thing 2: Mom! Stop it! What's wrong with you? Hang on, I just remembered I left them in my backpack, hang on I'll get them. Stop laughing, you're embarrassing me!!

Me: (whispering) I LAUGH in the face of adversity...

So, I get the key, and I go home. And I walk into my house, and it's hot. Oh God, it's so hot in here and I know I have to empty that damn refrigerator all by myself. So, of course the first thing I do is sit down and smoke a cigarette.

Many trips to the garage, many near heart attacks, many "Fuck YOU adversity"'s later, I stand, my hair wringing wet, my face red, my ample bosom heaving, and I realize these truths:

I HATE my refrigerator.

I HATE Anna.

I am the fucking QUEEN of Adversity.

I have only thus far cleaned out the freezer. I still have much to do.

I need a nap.

Really, there's only one thing I can do next. Isn't there? I smoke a cigarette. Then I take a nap. Then, when Thing 2 walks through the front door, I get up and announce, "Take the rest of the stuff out to the garage and put it in the fridge out there. I'm not feeling good."

Ha HA, adversity. Ha HA...

You are no match for Miss Anne....

7 comments:

Dory said...

You friggin' RULE.
Dory

you know what to do said...

What were you saying abouy stupid people? My god do you love or hate everybody this week?

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Mitchell, leave me alone. I'm feeling vulnerable...

Warren Bailey Plumley said...

Miss Anne,
Thank you very much. Let me explain. My wife, the bitch, was reading your blog and started drying herself with the blow dryer. I told the dumb bitch 'you are a lunatic' and she could shock herself with that electric dryer. Well, sure enough yesterday she electrocuted herself by way of the dryer. So thank you very much.
P.S. If you need a place to stay and have life insurance, get in touch.
In memory of Virgie Mae Plumley

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Honestly, Mitchell? Virgia Mae Plumley?

She's not really dead, is she?

And Katie does not dry herself with the hair dryer... hehehehe

I love you.

I have no life insurance, and I need a job. You are rich, you can afford to keep me... and Mark too, ok? And Shelby and Cleo and Vincent-the-saving-dog. We'll be there this weekend!!

Love,

your sister

Burfica said...

I was gonna comment yesterday, but the fever kept me from typing coherent thoughts. So...this is as good as the comments get. Sorry.

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