Thursday, September 25, 2008

Well if YOU didn't take it, who the fuck did?

I get blamed for everything. My God, if I'd done HALF of what I've been accused of, I'd be the world's most accomplished burglar/assassin/bitch/whore.....

If anything, and I mean ANYTHING is lost or misplaced at home, I'm the first one to get blamed for it:

"Mom! What did you do with my bill from the power company? I laid it RIGHT fucking here and now it's gone!"

"Wife, where did you hide my LED mini flashlight? It was here on the dresser when I went to bed last night!"

"Mom! Where's my new white t-shirt? I havent' seen it since we brought it home! I want to wear it today!"

If there's an argument, a disagreement, a knock-down-drag-out FREEFORALL, I'm certainly the cause of it:

"Well, YOU were the one bein' all HATEFUL and shit!"

"Well, if YOU had just listened to me, I wouldn't have gotten mad, and the whole thing could have been AVOIDED!"

"Look, I haven't done anything wrong, I'm the VICTIM here!!"

If there's a question, a suspicion, an accusation one can pull from THIN AIR and pin on me, it will be done:

"Mom, who are you texting? Is it a MAN? Do I need to tell DADDY?"

"Who was that who just spoke to you? A client? What KIND of client?"

"Where are you? Who are you with? Is that a man's voice I hear? Who the FUCK are you with?"

At work, it's the same fucking thing:

"Mr. Lawyer? I called earlier and your rude secretary hung UP on me!!!"

"This bill is LATE! Why didn't it get paid?"

"You double booked me for 1:15. Can you not read? The appointment book already HAD someone down for 1:15?"

"Why didn't you do the dishes?"

"Why isn't the filing done?"


I'm losing my sweet disposition, here, people.... If I weren't so pretty and sweet and FUNNY, I'd think people didn't LIKE me!

But, as usual, I've come up with a solution. I'm going to print the following sign, and hang it in my home and office:


Bina said...

I love it! Can I copy that and use it at home?? I need your express permission, of course.

Miss Anne Derstood said...

Absolutely, bina! My crappy excuses are YOUR crappy excuses...

the planet of janet said...

brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

i may steal it. (but ... uh ... i never touched it, ok?????)

Burfica said...

ummm why are all the s's backwards???

I'm back by the way.

baseballmom said...

Love that! I frequently complain that no one knows where anything is except me. Also, I'm the one who catches all of the crabbiness when kids come home from school tired and hungry, no matter if I worked all day or not. WTF is up with that?

Amy @ Milk Breath and Margaritas said...

My husband always blamed my daughter, which made me nuts. He'd ask me if she took things that I'm like "why the fuck would she want THAT?"

She's in college now, so he thinks I've "moved" stuff.