The Future of Miss Anne Derstood....

Dear Internets:

You probably haven't noticed lately, because I am a MASTER at hiding my feelings, but I've been in a bit of a funk... Yes! It's true!

I have had my feelings hurt, my heart broken, my toes stepped on, my civil liberties denied, and my aura disturbed.

BUT... and you will be interested to know this, so pay attention...

A NEW WIND IS BLOWIN' AROUND THESE PARTS....

And that new wind is called "SELF-RESPECT".

I won't go into any messy details about what is in the past. Because my new middle name is, "LET WHAT IS IN THE PAST BE BURIED AND STAY BURIED FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN."

Here are some things I've been thinking and doing... and saying:

1. I have taken a much more active role in the care of my father-in-law. I thought this would bring about hurt that I couldn't even imagine, but the exact opposite is true. I feel a sense of purpose. I feel needed. I feel that in some way, I am honoring the memory of my mother, by sharing what I know, and what I can do, with my husband's family. And they are beginning to rely on me. Even my husband. Believe it. Or not. It's true.

2. I am a perfectly decent human being and I do not deserve to be treated badly. By anyone. For any reason. And anyone who KNOWINGLY hurts me, FOR NO DISCERNIBLE REASON, is beneath me. And does not deserve to be called my friend.

3. I'm tired of feeling like I don't measure up. Fuck that. I DO measure up. I'm an intelligent, considerate, sensitive forty-something woman. I have a good sense of humor. I'm kind. I don't give anybody any shit, and I don't want to take any in return. I'm not beautiful, but neither do people hide their eyes when I walk by. I'm overweight, but who give a big shit? I don't have to impress anyone. When I lose weight, it will be to improve my chances for a longer life, not to make anyone fall madly in love with me.

4. When my husband's father leaves this world, my husband has a big decision to make. If he wants to stay married to me, I will work my ass off to make a good marriage with him. And in return, I expect him to climb off my ass and treat me as his WIFE, his equal. I don't have to have a fairy tale love, but I need a dash of RESPECT. Find out what it means to me, baby. And if he wants a divorce, then I have no desire to take anything from him that doesn't already belong to me. I will not fight him for anything. A divorce will be hard on me. Mentally, and financially. But I am MUCH stronger than I have ever given myself credit for being, and I have family and friends who LOVE me, and will stand by me and support me.

5. I do not need ANYONE, and most importantly, ANY MAN, to complete me. I will not be complete until I die. Until then, *I* am in charge of my happiness, my success, my failure, and the everyday "whole-ness" that I may or may not feel. What happens to me, for me, and WITH me is no one else's business, no one else's problem, and no one else's responsibility but my own. I am now in charge of ME.

6. I have a lot of faults... I see them, recognize them for what they are, and ACCEPT them: I am impatient. I tend toward grouchy. I have a filthy mouth. I am lazy. And yes, I have an inferiority complex as big as the great state of TEXAS. These faults are MINE and mine alone, and it is and will be my responsibility to change them, eradicate them, or lovingly cherish them as I SEE FIT.

7. I had a WONDERFUL mother. But she is dead. She's been gone for nearly 18 years. It's time to let go. Holding onto the pain and the loss and the sadness does not honor her memory. And this is not a path she would have chosen for me. It is time for me to love and honor the LIVING. My family. My friends. Myself. I will share the memories of her that I have from time to time. I will NOT wallow in my grief any longer.

8. It's time I had a hobby. And that hobby can NOT be the internet. Because when my hobby is the internet, there is trouble galore in my life. I don't know what my hobby will be. I will choose it carefully, because I plan to THROW myself into it with passion very, very soon. For the record, my hobby will not be illegal, immoral, or unethical. Therefore, lesbian crack whore has been taken out of the list of possible choices. Cheating wife-whore has likewise been eliminated.

9. I will continue to write in my blog. Those of you who choose to stay for the end credits, I welcome you with open arms. You will see a new and improved Miss Anne emerging from the ashes, if my will and my resolve prove to be as strong as my hope and desire.

10. Finally, I want to thank someone. And that someone is Janet, the mother of all best-friends, who taught me that I am worthy of her friendship (even if I'm STILL not wholly convinced..) Janet has put up with more bullshit, more snot-flying, screaming, tearful rants than anyone should ever have to put up with, and STILL she loves me. Go figure. God sent her straight to me. And I humbly thank Him for it.

Fasten your seatbelts, friends. It's gonna be a helluva ride....

love,

Miss Anne Derstood