Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Note to myself...

Dear Self:

Just a few things to remember, the next time someone dies.

1. For a woman of SIZE, wearing 3 inch heels to a wake is NOT a good idea, even if you paid only $12.50 for them on clearance, and even if they look AMAZING with your black pants suit.

2. The next time you have to be last in the bathroom to fix your hair, and it's hot, throw something BIG and SHARP at the child you gave BIRTH to who says, "Dude, did you fix your hair? It's lookin' kind of haggard..."

3. Waterproof mascara was created for a REASON.

4. Remind your children that saying SHIT, PISS, DAMN IT, or SON OF A BITCH are no-no's in church. HELL is ok, though, if you're talking about a place. GOD should only be said if you are praying to Him, and CHRIST ON A CRUTCH is almost certainly taboo in most churches. If they say those words anyway, sit far away from them, so as not to be struck by the lightening that God will surely send down upon them.

5. If the sister-in-law that you adore tells you that you have raccoon eyes, do NOT tell her she has a booger in her nose. She is distraught and trying to help. Oh, and refer to number 3 re: the raccoon eyes.

6. If someone really old takes your hand and says, "And who are you, dear?" It is NOT polite to squeal, "Ohmigawd, you can SEE me?"

7. Voices carry in church. So it's probably not a good idea to stand up and announce, "I have to PEE like a RACEHORSE."

8. It is impolite to say that your husband's cousin is "as fucked up as a soup sandwich"... especially if you are talking to her sister.

9. People will look at you funny if you announce, "Ativan in my car, everyone! Party time!"

10. It is probably not acceptable to take off the offending 3" heels, sling 'em over your shoulder, and announce, "Let's blow this joint, I need some Starbucks!"

Sometimes, you have to laugh in order to stop crying...


the planet of janet said...

only you ... only you.

Anonymous said...

Welcome back. We missed you.

Anonymous said...

The upside is that this is the only time you can get away with all of that stuff!

Avitable said...

What Hilly said!

Burfica said...

Amen girlie.

We all had good laughs at mom's memorial, that's the way she wanted it. From the preacher talking about how bad she would tease him. To her brother telling about the time she froze his one and only jock strap.

To my sister talking about mom beating everyone up with two frozen bread loaves.

This was all during the service. I Opened it up for everyone to tell a nice or funny story or memory about her.

They were priceless.

Ammie aka Sleeping Mommy said...

Woman, I wish I could be as unabashedly outrageous as you are. I have always loved your sense of humor even in times like this you can find the humor.

"Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion"

OldHorsetailSnake said...

I don't think Starbucks will cover your ailments (being in church). This will take 6 Coronas, at least.

baseballmom said...

I have to agree-we only got through my dad's service because we found ways to crack each other up at times...even if they were inappropriate times!

Anonymous said...

RE: 9.

I can't believe no one took you up on it. Bcus? DUDE. It's ATIVAN, you idiots. It's got fucking STREET VALUE.

Oh, and those people who have a stick up their ass? Ativan is a mighty fucking effective enema.

Bina said...

# 4 is pretty freaking funny!

Hammer said...

I want mine to be a party with open bar and everyone can get naked and dance on my grave.

Lauging is much better than crying.

DraMa said...

Hilarious... totally hilarious. I think my fav is #6:)

Ativan Prescription Medication said...

My name is Craig Hannah and i would like to show you my personal experience with Ativan.

I have taken for 6 years. I am 37 years old. GREAT FOR INSOMNIA......Great for Manic stages of Bi-Polar..It's really is the only drug I can take without any side effects..I cannot even take asprin without feeling it..I have OCD and have severe sensitivity to meds, this one is great.

Side Effects :
None.....Miracle drug...onset of 20/30 minutes, peak of 1 to 3 hrs...it will erase your memory if u take it in large doses...made that mistake once..Been on and off of it since 2001. I don't get addictive to it. I only take .05 2 x a day for controlling High Blood Pressure, Anxiety and IBS..I sometimes can get away with breaking the 0.5mg down into 4 equal doses.

I hope this information will be useful to others,
Craig Hannah