Friday, June 13, 2008

What will they say about me?

From time to time I think about dying. I've decided not to do it. It doesn't fit in with the image of "me" I'd like to project to the world. So, I've marked dying off my "to-do" list.

Another thing I often think about is this: What will people say about me when I am gone? This is probably a question a lot of people think about. Or maybe not.

I've heard some older people say in hushed tones, "Don't speak ill of the dead." Why not? I believe that if you are a sonofabitch in this lifetime, dying isn't gonna make you NOT a sonofabitch. It's only gonna make you a DEAD sonofabitch. And, in my humble opinion, the only GOOD sonofabitch IS a dead sonofabitch. But I could be wrong. It doesn't happen often, but it's not unheard of.

There are people who I knew who have died that I did not like. I don't miss them. I might could think of something good to say about them if I tried, like, "Gee, for a fat person, ol' Roy sure didn't sweat much, did he?" But why bother? Roy was a motherfucker while he took up space on this planet, stealing my air, and making life miserable for all and sundry who knew him. Why should I bother thinking of something good to say about Ol' Roy? Fuck Ol' Roy. That's what I think.

There are also people I knew who I miss with all my broken little heart, and I would be hard-pressed to think of anything BAD to say about them. That's the kind of person that I wish I could be. Someone who, long after they are gone and the worms have eaten their eardrums and eyeballs, people look back fondly in remembrance and perhaps say, "That was truly a good person. A gift, to this stinking rotten fetid world."

So, I've thought and thought.... and pondered a little, even.

And I've come up with a list of the TOP TEN THINGS PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY SAY ABOUT ME WHEN I AM GONE...

10. "She's dead? That bitch owed me money!"

9. "She played a mean game of Scrabble..."

8. "Fuck. Who's gonna make the coleslaw now?"

7. "Little Debbie stock is surely gonna go down NOW."

6. "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but the bitch needed killin'."

5. "Miss Anne who?"

4. "May her little-left-eye rest in peace..."

3. "Does anybody know what her middle name was?"

2. "Fucking HELL. I bet she forgot to call the dentist for me!"

And the number 1 THING PEOPLE WILL PROBABLY SAY ABOUT ME WHEN I AM GONE...

1. "Damn, I'm gonna miss that smile..."

but I could be wrong....

6 comments:

Hammer said...

That would be a great eulogy :)

Sleeping Mommy said...

I know what her middle name was. :)
Or maybe I'm wrong. What the hell.

Student Teacher said...

This would be a great eulogy. You've inspired me to write one in the event of my death, but I'm not sure who would be willing to read it, since I'm convinced everyone would be too emotional.

Glad you are back.

Burfica said...

I would surely miss my twin in smart assiness!!!!

Bina said...

Now this was truly funny! How the hell do you think of this stuff? I love #4 by the way, and "Fuck 'ol Roy" is right. I know some people like that.

Dory said...

Yes, I'm really this far behind in google reader.

I bet your middle name is Hawsum.