Wednesday, June 18, 2008

I absolutely REFUSE to be upset...

This is why I have you, internets... So I can spew all the venom inside of me out, and it has somewhere to go, instead of back to me. So, here's what's happening in my neck o' the woods:

Yesterday, me and the boss got into a screaming match. Every single time I have questioned him about the bonus issue, I get a different excuse why he "changed his mind." And by changed his mind, I mean lied like a donkey-faced-motherfucker. He has said "Misty will get mad!" "Misty discovered So-and-So was stealing!" And the newest one, spoken with a straight face yesterday, "Misty has longevity! You don't have longevity!" I yelled, "What the fuck are you talking about? I've worked for you since 1992!!!" "Part time!" he screams back. "Only part time for most of it!"

I ended the fight by saying, very calmly, and in my sweetest voice: "Well, here is the FACT, Mr. Lawyer... You are a liar. You lied. You KNOW you lied. And you can't do that CATHOLIC cross thing and make it go away, because you LIED TO ME. However, I will eventually have the last laugh when you and all your CATHOLIC lies split hell wide open and you can cross yourself from here to eternity and back and you will still burn like a used Christmas tree..." (Now, let me explain something to you CATHOLICS, who may be getting a tad angry with me right about now. This Catholic thing about splitting hell wide open is a running joke between HE and ME and I refuse to feel bad about what I say to my boss, either in anger, or in jest. He gives as good as he gets, trust me. His disdain for PROTESTANTS is legendary. Do I believe Catholics are going to hell? Don't know, don't care. Do I look for anything to say to get under his skin? Emphatically, yes. kthxbai)

When I turned around and left his office, he was so angry he was purple. Ask me if I care.

So, I left the office and decided a bit of shopping therapy was in order....

HA. Whoever thought I was going to be able to shop in peace? Husband called me at 5:05. "Where in the hell are you? It's 5:05!" I replied, "Well, lookie there... whoever said you would never learn to tell time was just WRONG, weren't they?" He was not amused. "What are you cooking for my dad?" he yelled in my ear. "Um... how about I cook a great big steaming bowl of FUCK YOU, HUSBAND? You think your dad will like that?"

He hung up on me. I didn't relax. I knew he'd call back... Less than a minute later.

"Where are you going? Don't be long... Dad needs to eat. You know how he hates to eat late." I told him I would call him right back, and hung up on him. I called his sister, and asked, "What's mamaw and papaw gonna eat this evening? Do I need to cook?" Currently, husband's sister is working here in town, and she drops by every evening to see what's needed. I love her. If I ever turn into a lesbian, I will marry her. Anyway, she said dinner was taken care of, they'd already eaten, and as a special bonus, my KIDS had already eaten also. YAY me!!

I called husband back. "Never fear, loser dear. Dinner has been served, eaten and disposed of."

I swear, by all that is holy and good, this is what he said to me:

"Well, what about his SNACKS? What can you cook him for snacks?"

At this point, my blood pressure is causing me to see red demons in front of my eyes. Dancing red demons....

"I was not aware that I would be COOKING snacks this evening. How 'bout I buy some ice cream sandwiches and you can shove THEM down your dad's throat?" I said sweetly, as my middle name is "SAY IT WITH SWEETNESS, ALWAYS."

He hung up on me again.

I went into the store and spent some quality time looking around for something with which to make myself feel appreciated. By me.

My phone rang again. This time, it was Thing 1. "I'm trying to find a cell phone to take to Germany with me, and they are pretty expensive.... blah, blah, and blah." I tend to zone out when Thing 1 talks about the Germany trip at this point. That's ALL she talks about, and most of the time it is always something I need to do, get her, make happen, or pull out of my fat ass.

So I tell her, "I am out. Talk to me when I am home." SHE hangs up on me.

Phone rings again. "Where are you?" says Husband. "Exactly where I told you I would be, Kohl's." says, I.

"Well, pick up some ice cream sandwiches and stuff to make a big salad with."

"Do I have to make the big salad? Because your dad said yesterday he was sick of salad."

"He doesn't mean that. He just doesn't want to be any trouble. If you put it in front of him, he will eat it."

Fine. I can't find anything at Kohl's that I want anyway....

I leave and go to Wal-Mart... I get the stuff for salad, and I get the ice cream sandwiches, and I get a few things that I know the girls would like. By the way? Yesterday was apparently BALD WOMAN DAY at Wal-Mart. You have never seen as many bald women as I saw at Wal-Mart yesterday. I wish I had been bold enough to take pictures... It was... interesting.

So, I'm in line... and my phone rings... "Where in the hell are you at?" shouts Husband. I take a deep breath before I answer. "I am checking out at Wal-Mart, DEAR, and will be home soonest."

"Did you get stuff for salad?" he asks. "Of course," I answered. "My middle name is 'FOLLOWS ORDERS'."

"Well, I was thinking, why don't you get stuff to make that one salad you used to make? With the peas and the cheese and all that stuff? Dad used to really like that."

"I'm IN LINE. I'm checking out. I'm putting my stuff on the COUNTER. Your dad can have the 7-layer salad in a few days."

"Fine!" he says. "You do what you want. Dad didn't eat the salad last night! He's tired of plain old salad! But you go ahead and do what's COMFORTABLE for YOU!!"

So, I lost it, right there at the Wal-Mart check-out. The EXPRESS LANE, 20 items or LESS, thank you very Goddamned much. "Are you SERIOUS?" I yelled at him Are you fucking seriously gonna ask me to get out of line and go back into the store, put BACK the stuff I have, and go buy MORE, DIFFERENT stuff? If you knew your dad was tired of PLAIN OLD SALAD, why did you kick up such a fuss for me to buy the stuff and make it? Are you RETARDED?"

"Don't scream at me," he said. And hung up on me.

So, doormat that I am, with my fat ass dragging and my hip hurting like a motherfucker, I go back into the store, put back the things I need to put back, replace it with the things I need, get back in line, pay, and go home.

Where I am met at the door...

"Are you going to make that salad this evening?" he demanded.

"No. No. NONONONONONONONONO. The salad has to sit for a few hours. I'll make it tomorrow, and it will be ready tomorrow night."

"Well, take the cauliflower out of there, then and cook it for him with cheese on it."

"Husband," I wearily said. By this time, I'm too damned tired to fight anymore. "I need the cauliflower for the salad."

"We'll buy more," he said.

"MY half of we will not buy more," I said, "because MY half of we doesn't have any more money. So YOUR half of we will need to buy it."

And I made the fucking cauliflower, took some ativan, and went to bed.

I don't know how much more of this I can stand. He's making me resent the fuck out of his mom and dad. He's making me resent the fuck out of him. He's making me regret my decision not to run over his with my car. And back up. And run over him again.

Other than THAT, my week is going fairly well...

How ya'll doin' today?

8 comments:

Avitable said...

I don't know how you haven't gone postal yet!

the planet of janet said...

what avitable said...

baseballmom said...

Yeah, have to agree with avitable and janet. I think you should jack some money from his wallet and take off for a hotel for a night or two...make all those fuckers fend for themselves. My guess is that none of them will starve to death without a midnight cauliflower snack.

lu said...

wow...reading that made MY blood pressure rise! ugh.

Laurie B said...

Hey Miss Anne, time to tell the husband to pull his head out of his ass and actaully take care of his parents himself.

WTF? Did you sign up for this or was there any discussion about it? I'd sure as hell tell himself to not only wipe up his own butt but to take care of his parent's food, meds, health care, and dare I presume..finances. If he's in it for the money and you are doing the work, well then, ain't he a snot. ( I meant shit hole there, sorry)

Get clear pretty soon or you wil keep on being used.
Temper tantrum time, or move it on out and take care of yourself time.

Best of luck.

Bina said...

I don't know how you can turn all these things in to the funniest freaking shit I have ever read, but my God woman. I would love to spend one day with you in hopes some of it would rub off on me!

And "Never fear, loser dear"

I wanna be like you!

Burfica said...

I dunno I would kill him and go into the funny farm, it has to be more of a vacation than what your living with.

madelaine said...

If you didn't have the cell phone, you would have gone to the store, looked around, bought something or not, and gone home when you were ready to. No hassels every five minutes. Why do people think they can call you for all that nonsense and why do you think you have to answer? Get rid of the cell phone.