Sunday, November 2, 2008

Everything I know about politics, I learned from Tina Fey....

I hate politics.

I hate talking about politics, and I hate listening to it. I hate presidential debates, I hate political advertisements, I hate polls, and I hate "momocrats." I don't even know what a momocrat is, but I hate them on principal.

The only good thing to come out of this election, in my humble opinion, has been the Sarah Palin skits on SNL. I pink puffy heart Tina Fey.

I've listened, for MONTHS, while people around me discussed Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hilary Clinton, John McCain, Sarah Palin and others, whose names I have chosen to commit to non-memory. I've been bored out of my fucking mind.

People are REALLY interested this time, though. Perhaps because, Democrat or Republican, this country is about to make history. Which, I suppose, is interesting, in a "Please do not pre-empt House again, you dirty motherfuckers or I'm about to get CRAZY up in this bitch" kind of way.


I've heard people say Obama may be the anti-Christ. I've heard him called a Socialist. People don't like his name. They don't like the color of his skin. They don't like Sarah Palin because she spends money on clothes. LOTS of money. They don't like McCain because... well I didn't listen that far. I have no idea why they don't like him. I fell into a self-imposed ennui COMA, before I listened to everything people were saying.

I'll tell you right now, I have no fucking intention of voting. I could not possibly care LESS who wins. Because I'll tell you firmly what I believe... It doesn't matter who wins. It does not make one tiny little bit of difference.

Because no matter who gets the nod, the rich are going to be rich. The poor are going to be poor. People are still going to kill each other. Children are going to be hungry. Old people are still going to eat cat food. People will still believe in God. People won't believe in God. Teenagers will still do drugs and have unprotected sex.

And the sun will still shine. The rain will still fall...

There will still be fires and floods and earthquakes and hurricanes. A freshly fallen snow will still be beautiful, and Diet Coke with Lime will still be delicious.

Wars will still be fought, husbands will still cheat on their wives (and yes, wives will still cheat on their husbands), and Hollywood will still keep churning out Rocky movies.

You get my drift. Life will still go on. People will adapt. Everything will still suck.

I'll tell you what would happen if I were to be made president....

Not one single child would go hungry.

Not one single person would go without an education, if they want one, whether they are 8 or 18 or 80.

No one would lose their home to foreclosure.

No one would be denied healthcare.

No dollar would go untaxed, and that includes the billions of them that belong to the rich people.

People would speak English in this country or they would get the fuck out.

We'd get our fucking nose out of everybody else's business, and stick it in our OWN business, and fix what is wrong with OUR country, and let the rest of the world fix their own shit.

Children who misbehaved in school would get their little asses spanked.

Any person guilty of hurting, molesting, or neglecting a child would die. Period.

Jell-O would be illegal. That one is non-negotiable, people.

And everyone would be required to buy me presents for my birthday.

And Little Debbie cakes would be free.....



she has come out of the piddle of the muddle and has spoken. big fruit cocktail in red jello to you birthday girl!

Burfica said...

OMG I would so vote for you my dear.

*i've missed you*

Charliee said...

Welcome back. We missed you.

baseballmom said...

Can I be your vice prez? Cause I am so with you on ALL of it.

Sara said...

So happy to see you writing again. You made my day. And I might just write your name in on the ballot...

Bina said...

Oh my Good God I LOVE LOVE LOVE this! I swear to freaking God it's EXACTLY the way I feel! I'm sitting freaking amazed because I doubt that I could ever, EVER say what you did, but I freaking think the same way.

Wow. I'm blown away. Very good.

Bina said...

Okay, except for the Little Debbie Cakes. I'll just take all my free ones and give them to you, k?

Anonymous said...

Missed you, baby!!!

Alekx said...

So I could get you free little debbie cakes for your birthday and keep my hard earned taxed dollar for my own twisted pleasure.
Very Cool