I love my little daddy....
Last night he called me to check on me. I have to be so careful when I talk to him, that I don't have a "melody-meltdown". My dad can't handle that, and he's got a bad heart. So I try to spare him the worst of my worst moods....
So, I'm telling him that I'm ok, but sick with a cold, and that I've found a house, but the only reason I haven't moved in yet is the cold that has prevented me from getting anything done.
I'm also whining about not having a sofa or a washer and dryer, because after all, this IS my daddy, and should he so choose, he could instruct me to write a check and VOILA! New sofa, new washer, new dryer.
But then, after all this IS my daddy and he ignored my whining. *sigh*
But he gave me a wonderful idea.
"Sissy," he says, (because he calls me that, of course) "I want you to pack a suitcase." (Oh yay! I'm thinking, "Daddy's gonna send me on vacation!!")
"I want you to pack it IN YOUR MIND...." (huh? But... um... DADDY? How'm I gonna go on vacation with a MIND SUITCASE?)
"In it, I want you to put all the bad shit. Everything you don't want to take into your new home. Pack it into your suitcase. Take your time, sister, and do it right. Pack up all the hurt and the anger and the bad feelings. And when you drive up to your house, leave that suitcase on the curb for the garbageman."
Eventually, my daddy gets around to making sense...
So, throughout the day, I will be "packing" my virtual suitcase, and of course, being the attention whore that I am, I want to share with you what I'm packing.
And of course, if you have any good ideas for me, I'd be glad to hear 'em.
____________________________________________________
Melody's Suitcase O' Blues:
1. My guilt over my mother falling on October 5, 1990. I know she would not have held it against me, and I will learn to not hold it against myself.
2. My memory of the Sperm Donor asking me, "Am I ashamed of you? Well, would YOU want to be seen out with something that looks like you?"
3. My shame for being unfaithful to my husband in a relationship that did NOTHING for me.
4. My fear that I will never find someone that I will REALLY connect with. That I will never MATTER... to anyone.
5. My love of the Little Debbie Devil. (which is Nutty Bars, to be specific)
***to be continued...
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Oh, the humanities.... how I hate them.
I'll be the first to admit that I'm not a good person.
I'm grouchy, and hateful. I'm lazy and fat. I'm depressed and unwilling to work to make my life better. I'm not a good friend, because friendship takes work, and I don't like work. I certainly haven't been a good wife, over the last 25 years.
There are many, many NOT good things about me.
But I will tell you something true. I have never in my life INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone. It is not in me to do so. My soon-to-be-EX husband would probably disagree with me. But he, as usual, would be wrong. I did not try to hurt him.
I am open about my life, about who I am, the mistakes I've made, and all the many things that are wrong with me. The reason I am this way is because I want to know right up front if the things about ME are things that YOU can live with. So I shower you with all the bad stuff. If you can handle that, I figure you're a keeper.
Probably that is not the best way to live. Because, let me tell you.... People lie. Why does this still surprise me? People will say to you, "I can handle all your quirks, I will be your friend no matter what." But it isn't true.... Because when the going gets tough, and with me, believe me, it gets tough, then they bail...
I'm filled with so much anger and disappointment right now, I'm not sure what to do with it all. And it isn't all about ONE thing. Oh, no. It seems like there's something new every single day that sends me right up to... and over... the edge.
I don't have control of my emotions. I don't have control of anything... I have never felt so completely helpless in my life. And it's not a good feeling. Not that I've ever felt like a strong and "in control" individual. No, I've pretty much felt insecure and incapable, for as long as I can remember.
I can't rant about it here. THAT'S one thing that is driving me bug fucking nuts. There's so much I want to say, so much I NEED to say, and my blog SHOULD be the place that I can say it. But I can't. Because I have to worry about what some OTHER people would think or feel should they read about the CRAP I'm feeling right now.
*sigh*
I have a secret blog. Only about 3 or 4 people know of it. And I guess I'm going to have to use THAT forum to get some of this venom out of me. Because I don't know what else to do. If I don't do SOMETHING to vent this rage, it's going to burn me alive. And then I will be CRISPY, dead melodyann....
For now, those of you who are my friends, please know that I AM, for the most part, ok. My hearing is Monday. I have found a place to live. Eventually, I KNOW that I will be better than I am at this moment.
love and stuff,
melodyann
I'm grouchy, and hateful. I'm lazy and fat. I'm depressed and unwilling to work to make my life better. I'm not a good friend, because friendship takes work, and I don't like work. I certainly haven't been a good wife, over the last 25 years.
There are many, many NOT good things about me.
But I will tell you something true. I have never in my life INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone. It is not in me to do so. My soon-to-be-EX husband would probably disagree with me. But he, as usual, would be wrong. I did not try to hurt him.
I am open about my life, about who I am, the mistakes I've made, and all the many things that are wrong with me. The reason I am this way is because I want to know right up front if the things about ME are things that YOU can live with. So I shower you with all the bad stuff. If you can handle that, I figure you're a keeper.
Probably that is not the best way to live. Because, let me tell you.... People lie. Why does this still surprise me? People will say to you, "I can handle all your quirks, I will be your friend no matter what." But it isn't true.... Because when the going gets tough, and with me, believe me, it gets tough, then they bail...
I'm filled with so much anger and disappointment right now, I'm not sure what to do with it all. And it isn't all about ONE thing. Oh, no. It seems like there's something new every single day that sends me right up to... and over... the edge.
I don't have control of my emotions. I don't have control of anything... I have never felt so completely helpless in my life. And it's not a good feeling. Not that I've ever felt like a strong and "in control" individual. No, I've pretty much felt insecure and incapable, for as long as I can remember.
I can't rant about it here. THAT'S one thing that is driving me bug fucking nuts. There's so much I want to say, so much I NEED to say, and my blog SHOULD be the place that I can say it. But I can't. Because I have to worry about what some OTHER people would think or feel should they read about the CRAP I'm feeling right now.
*sigh*
I have a secret blog. Only about 3 or 4 people know of it. And I guess I'm going to have to use THAT forum to get some of this venom out of me. Because I don't know what else to do. If I don't do SOMETHING to vent this rage, it's going to burn me alive. And then I will be CRISPY, dead melodyann....
For now, those of you who are my friends, please know that I AM, for the most part, ok. My hearing is Monday. I have found a place to live. Eventually, I KNOW that I will be better than I am at this moment.
love and stuff,
melodyann
Sunday, March 8, 2009
The List...
I am a list maker. I love making lists. I make lists of books I want to buy, books I want to read, books I've already read. I make lists of songs I want to download, things I want to cook, places I want to go.
I generally never see these lists again.
Because I am also a LOSER of lists. I can make a list of things to buy at the grocery, and WATCH myself tuck it into my wallet, put my wallet into my purse, put my purse on my shoulder.
By the time I get to the grocery, the list is gone. I usually find it a week later, with a wad of gum tucked inside it.
Recent events have certainly necessitated the making of new lists.
And apparently, my LISTER is broken.
Because I can sit down with a pen, and two hours later, I have doodled my name 37 times, written a haiku, added some random numbers (you LOSE those math skills if you don't use them), and drawn 54 stick people.
But I cannot come up with a list to save my fat ass.
So, this morning, I was talking to a friend, and thinking, "What the hell am I going to do today?" He said something that I had no idea how to reply to, and so I let my mind wander....
"melodyann," I said to myself. "you've got to DO something today."
"fuck off," says melodyann. She can be SUCH a bitch, that melodyann.
"i'm SERIOUS," says I. "it's a beautiful day. you are reasonably clear headed, you have a MILLION things that need doing. you need a LIST."
"i don't do those anymore," quipped melodyann. "is there any more coffee? i need to pee. you're out of cigarettes. look how cute Cleo is. why don't you go lay down and cuddle with her? jeebus, your legs are hairy. what's for breakfast?"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed. "you're not paying attention! we need a LIST! Lists are good! they tell you what to do!"
"we could play scrabbbbbb-le," says melodyann. "you know how much you love scrabble... c'mon, just one little game. no one will know...."
But I remained firm. We need a list, me and melodyann. Because there is a very good chance we will be divorced in 22 days. And we are NOT prepared. And so I thought that making a list HERE might be a good idea, since I cannot doodle, draw stickmen OR add any numbers on my blog. *note to self: find some kind of math widget to add to blog.
Here then, is the first draft of my current ToDo List. Believe me when I tell you that it is in no certain order, and it's a VERY rough draft. Feel free to add anything you feel might be important.
1. Go buy cigarettes.
See. I'm already stumped. Perhaps I will try again AFTER I go buy cigarettes...
I generally never see these lists again.
Because I am also a LOSER of lists. I can make a list of things to buy at the grocery, and WATCH myself tuck it into my wallet, put my wallet into my purse, put my purse on my shoulder.
By the time I get to the grocery, the list is gone. I usually find it a week later, with a wad of gum tucked inside it.
Recent events have certainly necessitated the making of new lists.
And apparently, my LISTER is broken.
Because I can sit down with a pen, and two hours later, I have doodled my name 37 times, written a haiku, added some random numbers (you LOSE those math skills if you don't use them), and drawn 54 stick people.
But I cannot come up with a list to save my fat ass.
So, this morning, I was talking to a friend, and thinking, "What the hell am I going to do today?" He said something that I had no idea how to reply to, and so I let my mind wander....
"melodyann," I said to myself. "you've got to DO something today."
"fuck off," says melodyann. She can be SUCH a bitch, that melodyann.
"i'm SERIOUS," says I. "it's a beautiful day. you are reasonably clear headed, you have a MILLION things that need doing. you need a LIST."
"i don't do those anymore," quipped melodyann. "is there any more coffee? i need to pee. you're out of cigarettes. look how cute Cleo is. why don't you go lay down and cuddle with her? jeebus, your legs are hairy. what's for breakfast?"
"SHUT UP!" I screamed. "you're not paying attention! we need a LIST! Lists are good! they tell you what to do!"
"we could play scrabbbbbb-le," says melodyann. "you know how much you love scrabble... c'mon, just one little game. no one will know...."
But I remained firm. We need a list, me and melodyann. Because there is a very good chance we will be divorced in 22 days. And we are NOT prepared. And so I thought that making a list HERE might be a good idea, since I cannot doodle, draw stickmen OR add any numbers on my blog. *note to self: find some kind of math widget to add to blog.
Here then, is the first draft of my current ToDo List. Believe me when I tell you that it is in no certain order, and it's a VERY rough draft. Feel free to add anything you feel might be important.
1. Go buy cigarettes.
See. I'm already stumped. Perhaps I will try again AFTER I go buy cigarettes...
Sunday, March 1, 2009
A Day, a Life...
dawn comes...
and with it, hope.
the shadows and demons
of the night before it
fade away
in the light of day.
day passes...
and with it, time.
no time for dreams and wishes;
hurry, hurry,
get things done
before the fading sun.
sunset glimmers...
and with it, regret.
time wasted, and love
a myth, a mystery.
fling a prayer into the sky
darkness is nigh...
night falls...
and with it, fear.
monsters roam among the shadows.
the damned cry out
in vain. shed a tear
death is here.
and with it, hope.
the shadows and demons
of the night before it
fade away
in the light of day.
day passes...
and with it, time.
no time for dreams and wishes;
hurry, hurry,
get things done
before the fading sun.
sunset glimmers...
and with it, regret.
time wasted, and love
a myth, a mystery.
fling a prayer into the sky
darkness is nigh...
night falls...
and with it, fear.
monsters roam among the shadows.
the damned cry out
in vain. shed a tear
death is here.
~melodyann
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Madness...
I want to be funny again. I want to laugh and snort and write about the deliciously goofy and hilarious things my kids do. I want to tell stories of The Husband's obscenely ignorant remarks. I want to talk shit about our clients and the complete MORONS that I run into on a daily basis.
But...
I'm so angry.
Oh my God, I'm so angry I feel like my head is going to explode. It's eating away at my soul. It's feeding on my fear and my frustration and my disappointment.
I've never in my life been so angry. Not even when my mother, who was the BEST person I've EVER known, died at the ripe old age of 51. Not even when some kids I went to church with wrapped a trash bag around a little old lady's head who lived only three houses from me, and let her die... Because she wouldn't loan them her car.
I wasn't this angry when I read about the mom who drowned her children in the bathtub. Or when my brother came into my house and stole a thousand dollars of my dad's money that was hidden here. Or when they cancelled Alien Nation.
Every single cell in my body is SCREAMING in outrage. Every smile, every laugh, every word that comes from someone else's mouth fills me with malice. I want to punch the world in the nose.
I don't know what to do with it, all this anger. I don't even really know why I am FEELING it. Despite what you may think is true, I CAUSED this mess that I find myself in. This fucking pit of excrement is of my OWN MAKING.
I really, truly, honestly, don't know what to do...
But...
I'm so angry.
Oh my God, I'm so angry I feel like my head is going to explode. It's eating away at my soul. It's feeding on my fear and my frustration and my disappointment.
I've never in my life been so angry. Not even when my mother, who was the BEST person I've EVER known, died at the ripe old age of 51. Not even when some kids I went to church with wrapped a trash bag around a little old lady's head who lived only three houses from me, and let her die... Because she wouldn't loan them her car.
I wasn't this angry when I read about the mom who drowned her children in the bathtub. Or when my brother came into my house and stole a thousand dollars of my dad's money that was hidden here. Or when they cancelled Alien Nation.
Every single cell in my body is SCREAMING in outrage. Every smile, every laugh, every word that comes from someone else's mouth fills me with malice. I want to punch the world in the nose.
I don't know what to do with it, all this anger. I don't even really know why I am FEELING it. Despite what you may think is true, I CAUSED this mess that I find myself in. This fucking pit of excrement is of my OWN MAKING.
I really, truly, honestly, don't know what to do...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Anyone for Chinese?
Well, well, well. Here we are. I sat for a while last night and stared at my blog. I missed it so. And then it came to me.... like an epiphany, only... you know, in a kind of, "oh my Jesus, it's fucking 1:30 in the morning, and I have to get up at 4:00!" kind of way.
I want to WRITE again. I don't care about what. God knows, nothing GLORIOUS ever sprang from my lips, no words of GREAT INSIGHT or INSPIRATION.
But I don't care. HMPFH. This is my blog, and I miss writing in it. And so now I'm going to do it some more.
And I'm not hiding under an assumed name, or a cartoon picture anymore either. Fuck that shit. What do I have to hide? Trust me, there's more going on out there in that great big world than what can be found here on my little corner of it.
So....
How've you guys been? Didja miss me? I better get, like, 50 gazillion comments saying, "oh my heck YES, I was about to go out of my MIND from pining for you, melody!" Otherwise, I'm gonna pick one of you and come move in with you. And bring Things One and Two. And the dogs. And I might find Anny-Banany and bring her too. That would serve you right.
So, gosh, it's been so long since I've actually written anything that MATTERED, I don't know where to start....
You all know that I moved out of the house on November 10th. A lot of you probably know that I moved back in in the middle of December, when my boss decided "We are not running a half-way house, Melody."
So, yeah, I'm still there, at home, still looking for a place to live, or someone who will let me mooch off them. Neither is very easy to find in my hometown, let me tell you. West Virginia is full of mooch-ERS, not mooch-EES. I long to become a mooch-EE.
Oh! There's some interesting news for some of you, who might not have had to listen to me whine and cry and piss and moan in the last couple of months!
My husband went to China and had sexual relations with a 25 year old POSSIBLE Chinese hooker! Twice! See? Never boring around here, let me tell you.
*sigh*
For the past little bit, I've been so goddamned angry that I have completely lost control of my life. Some of you will think to yourself, "Bitch, you deserved it! Look what you've done to him!" And I can tell you, I don't disagree with you. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
And I will tell you, I'm not just angry about the sex. Although I am plenty angry about that, and I can be angry if I WANT to so SHUTTIE!
I'm angry because it didn't END there. Oh no, he didn't just have sex. This man, the man that I've been married to, controlled by, talked down to, rejected by, and generally FUCKED WITH for 25 years, has fallen in love.....
Whisper it, won't you..... he's fallen in love.... imagine birds singing gaily, and rose petals floating on a golden breeze....
And then picture this: a $1,100 PINK laptop computer, a $365 dollar Chinese-to-English pocket translator, $400 for a personal translator to TELEPHONE China and talk to said Chinese POSSIBLE hooker, $200 for a new cell phone, $100 for a new pair of tennis shoes, 2 new pairs of jeans (cost as yet undetermined) and 2 new t-shirts (cost as yet undetermined).
A goddamn pink laptop.
And you haven't even BEGUN to hear it all, internets. Because I. ordered. it. for. her.
Oh, yes, I did. I ordered her the pink laptop. I ordered the Chinese-to-English pocket translator. I found the website for the personal translator.
Because I believed him when he said, "I STILL have not done as much wrong as you. You owe me."
Thing Two said, "I feel like I live in some kind of alternate universe. My mom and dad are cheating on each other and helping each other do it." I didn't correct her by saying, "No, by God, no one helped me, thank you very much."
Thing One said, "You two are completely fucked up. Get my sister out of there before you ruin her."
The Chinese girl, who my darling daughters have dubbed Young Chow, wants to get married. Well, isn't that a surprise? She must REALLY love my husband, (and believe me when I say, internets, I use the term "my husband" as an identifier only, as I promised not to use his name on my blog. I don't keep ALL my promises, but this one I will keep.)
Anyway, Young Chow must REALLY be in love. Because she wants to get MARRIED. I guess, "I have to DIVORCE my WIFE FIRST," doesn't translate well. She wants money for her mommy and daddy too, poor things. Maybe she can bring them to live with her and my husband. Lots of Asian families all live together. Think what fun that would be for my husband!
Finally, to Things One and Two, I'd like to say this: Don't be angry at me for what you may read here. This is the only release I have. I love you girls. And I am more sorry than you will ever know for the complete and utter mess I've made of MY life, and your lives. And sorry for the fact that it isn't going to go away quickly. But it will get better. Eventually. I promise.
I want to WRITE again. I don't care about what. God knows, nothing GLORIOUS ever sprang from my lips, no words of GREAT INSIGHT or INSPIRATION.
But I don't care. HMPFH. This is my blog, and I miss writing in it. And so now I'm going to do it some more.
And I'm not hiding under an assumed name, or a cartoon picture anymore either. Fuck that shit. What do I have to hide? Trust me, there's more going on out there in that great big world than what can be found here on my little corner of it.
So....
How've you guys been? Didja miss me? I better get, like, 50 gazillion comments saying, "oh my heck YES, I was about to go out of my MIND from pining for you, melody!" Otherwise, I'm gonna pick one of you and come move in with you. And bring Things One and Two. And the dogs. And I might find Anny-Banany and bring her too. That would serve you right.
So, gosh, it's been so long since I've actually written anything that MATTERED, I don't know where to start....
You all know that I moved out of the house on November 10th. A lot of you probably know that I moved back in in the middle of December, when my boss decided "We are not running a half-way house, Melody."
So, yeah, I'm still there, at home, still looking for a place to live, or someone who will let me mooch off them. Neither is very easy to find in my hometown, let me tell you. West Virginia is full of mooch-ERS, not mooch-EES. I long to become a mooch-EE.
Oh! There's some interesting news for some of you, who might not have had to listen to me whine and cry and piss and moan in the last couple of months!
My husband went to China and had sexual relations with a 25 year old POSSIBLE Chinese hooker! Twice! See? Never boring around here, let me tell you.
*sigh*
For the past little bit, I've been so goddamned angry that I have completely lost control of my life. Some of you will think to yourself, "Bitch, you deserved it! Look what you've done to him!" And I can tell you, I don't disagree with you. That doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
And I will tell you, I'm not just angry about the sex. Although I am plenty angry about that, and I can be angry if I WANT to so SHUTTIE!
I'm angry because it didn't END there. Oh no, he didn't just have sex. This man, the man that I've been married to, controlled by, talked down to, rejected by, and generally FUCKED WITH for 25 years, has fallen in love.....
Whisper it, won't you..... he's fallen in love.... imagine birds singing gaily, and rose petals floating on a golden breeze....
And then picture this: a $1,100 PINK laptop computer, a $365 dollar Chinese-to-English pocket translator, $400 for a personal translator to TELEPHONE China and talk to said Chinese POSSIBLE hooker, $200 for a new cell phone, $100 for a new pair of tennis shoes, 2 new pairs of jeans (cost as yet undetermined) and 2 new t-shirts (cost as yet undetermined).
A goddamn pink laptop.
And you haven't even BEGUN to hear it all, internets. Because I. ordered. it. for. her.
Oh, yes, I did. I ordered her the pink laptop. I ordered the Chinese-to-English pocket translator. I found the website for the personal translator.
Because I believed him when he said, "I STILL have not done as much wrong as you. You owe me."
Thing Two said, "I feel like I live in some kind of alternate universe. My mom and dad are cheating on each other and helping each other do it." I didn't correct her by saying, "No, by God, no one helped me, thank you very much."
Thing One said, "You two are completely fucked up. Get my sister out of there before you ruin her."
The Chinese girl, who my darling daughters have dubbed Young Chow, wants to get married. Well, isn't that a surprise? She must REALLY love my husband, (and believe me when I say, internets, I use the term "my husband" as an identifier only, as I promised not to use his name on my blog. I don't keep ALL my promises, but this one I will keep.)
Anyway, Young Chow must REALLY be in love. Because she wants to get MARRIED. I guess, "I have to DIVORCE my WIFE FIRST," doesn't translate well. She wants money for her mommy and daddy too, poor things. Maybe she can bring them to live with her and my husband. Lots of Asian families all live together. Think what fun that would be for my husband!
Finally, to Things One and Two, I'd like to say this: Don't be angry at me for what you may read here. This is the only release I have. I love you girls. And I am more sorry than you will ever know for the complete and utter mess I've made of MY life, and your lives. And sorry for the fact that it isn't going to go away quickly. But it will get better. Eventually. I promise.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
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